Thursday, 19 June 2014

RE: HOW FORGIVING ARE YOU



I just read Atoskin's How Forgiving Are You post and I was typing up a response, but discovered I had done a mini post. So I decided to come on here to share and then link to her instead. Good idea, right? I thought so too, particularly since some of you don't know if I'm still breathing. I thankfully am. Tongue out to haters. I'm not sure I have haters though. I haven't gotten any hateful emails or anything but I just wanted to feel like a gangster with haters and shii. I hear you haven't "arrived" until you get hateful emails. It'll be so cool :D

Ok, I digress. I think I've just been blog-lazy. Life is busy and all but...sigh. Totally off topic, can you believe Charlie Boy is 64?? By the way, please google Vera Sidika. She's Kenyan and blessed. Do not do this in public though or at work. This is a stern warning! Do Not! But if you're by yourself, google away. I don't know how one person gets to have all that when I'm still struggling to grow my own. Life as we know can be several wraps of rotten Amala and stale Gbegiri and Ewedu *deep sigh*

Anyways, so Atoskin mentioned how she ignores whoever offends her or believes that the extent of the offense is directly proportional to the silent treatment the offender will receive. She thinks it's a huge problem  most especially because its not "christainly".
 
Source
I have actually touched briefly on how I handle anger in this Elevens post. (You'll enjoy that post if you missed it) I think I'm a little like her in the silent treatment thing and yea, it depends on the gravity of the "sin". I don't gripe much and I try not to  take things too seriously. I usually give people a very long rope because I can't be bothered to carry all that emotional baggage around. It's exhausting. I actually make excuses for other people's bad behaviour which I have been told is enabling. *sigh* Most times, I forget these bad behaviours until the next time the person does it and I remember that they've done something similar. If I see that it's a pattern and it's really grating, I let you know.

Anyway, so when I react, you'll probably see it coming. In my case, though, the ignoring time is not exactly used for planning revenge, although revenge can be more satisfying but see en, I'm trying to make heaven. The ignoring period is more about processing what happened and how it went down. I need to cool off and process. Did I react appropriately? Do you get why I'm angry? Did I overreact? Would I have said the same in your shoes? Etc (Very reasonable girl like me ba? Don't be fooled o. I'm not always like this) Other times, it's just that i need space from the situation. There's no way you'll piss me off and you won't notice my silent treatment (as a chatterbox like me)
Source
If you're a confrontational person, I'd prefer not to talk to you at that point because if I do, I won't hold back. I would probably explode and say worse things. Now, when I'm ranting, please don't tell me to calm down.
I also think being sorry is a process so you can't just say sorry to me at the time. I won't take it seriously, again, depending on the gravity of your "sin". I'll think it's just a way for you to shut me up. Forgiveness is the ultimate thing though, because like I said earlier, I don't care for the emotional baggage plus I have requests with God and I wouldn't want to be in a precarious situation with God. Plus, there's a Yoruba saying that says: Ti a ba gbagbe oro ana, a ni r'eni basere which roughly translates to: "To Err is human, to forgive is divine"



So that's how I mostly manage anger :D How you manage yours?

I'll be back soon.
P.S: Thanks for the concerned emails, calls, SMS and DMs to check up on me. *sloppy kisses*

44 comments:

  1. Very forgiving. After I've served my own damage.
    How are you?

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    1. Loool so an eye for an eye huh? I'm fine love. Life is happening. Sigh

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  2. Silent treatment is the way oh, i cut ties sharply. I don't have time to be holding grudges or giving myself headache...off to read Atoskin's post

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    1. I know right. It's just what works for me

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  3. The only good thing about the way i manage anger is that i don't react, at least not immediately. I'm not even sure if its good or bad thing but i think its more of good than bad because the few times i was confrontational, it ended up being very messy. Once i start raising my voice, it just keeps ascending as though i am modulating a song (lol). Truth is everyone has different approaches to handling situations but bottom line is that we must forgive whoever offends us and not let the sun go down on our anger.

    Come to think of it, you must really be a nice person (like i don't know this already) to make excuses for people's bad behaviour.

    I am glad i motivated you to type a post today. Don't run away for too long this time!

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    1. "Once i start raising my voice, it just keeps ascending as though i am modulating a song".....same here....if I loose my calm, raised voice and tears are the constant "k"

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    2. Lmaoo@ nice. I'm not sure it's a nice thing jare. It can be seemingly cowardly (don't be fooled. I do not run from a fight) It's just that i like to give people a wide berth and i don't want to believe they know they are being annoying. I have a friend who always stops me when i start saying: maybe s/he doesn't mean it like that...or maybe she's tired..you know Lagos is mad and she's busy etc. I'm an enabler *wails*

      @Sykik, ah ah, so you cry when you're angry :)

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  4. I don't think I consciously forgive someone, like "oh I'd forgive you for my peace of mind" it just fades away. I like revenge oh. It's bad and blah blah. But I like revenge, no matter how small.

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    1. I hear you about revenge. It really is sweet. Sigh. It really is hard isn't it? Thank God for God o, if not, some people will be having it on a daily. Plus karma is sweet too. She's slow sometimes though

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  5. I like to talk. I hate feeling like there were things I should have said but forgot to say them when the moment was ripe. It makes me lose sleep at night thinking "i should have said THIS and then i should have said THAT!" lol!
    But marriage is making me a bit calmer. mostly because NH keeps me accountable for my outbursts

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    1. Ok, i like that too. it happens to me too particularly when i do the outburst. I always think about it and remember how i should have said something better

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  6. silent treatment usually works best for me too. Because if i try to open my mouth at that pint, I will surely say things I will end up regretting. The bad thing about the silent treatment though is that it gives me enough time to process the whole scene over and over and then i make up my mind weather you are worth keeping as a friend or not. Harsh much, I know, but I don't want people who bring out the worst in me at all.

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    1. Exactly! I see i'm not the only one :D

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  7. I hate the silent treatment...one or two days is enough to get over it....
    Welcome back sweedy.

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    1. I actually hate being on the receiving end too but i love to dish it *face-palm* The good thing is, you would probably see it coming and the gravity of the sin would determine the duration ;)

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  8. I can keep a grudge. Like cook it and keep it. But once I talk to you about it, that's it.

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  9. The silent treatment is my way. I don't know how to talk plenty when am angry. If I happen to talk, am sure to say a thing or two I would regret. So most times I just walk away and may later sort it out if the opportunity present itself.

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  10. Dear Lord deliver me from silent treatment! When others dish it to me, I think they are childish but when I do it to them, I think am Boss! LOL... Rubbish thinking...

    I think walking away while heated, discussing later & forgiving is the most mature & christian thing to do.
    Am still learning though, i'll get there!

    Toin oh, if having haters makes u feel like a bad ass, can I pls sign the prenup of being ur hater for life? Just 200k every week cos hating someone is the hardest job on earth.
    Waiting..........

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    1. Lmaooo look at this lady, 200k to be my hater?? lmaooooo #Dead. Biko, yea hating is hard (i can't deal/be bothered) but you cannot start a career on here abeg. If you find someone to pay you for hating, i'm game too o. I will hate all you want for 100k a week.

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  11. Ooh I like to talk, I would have said a lot before thinking about how 'christian' I am

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    1. Looool I can just imagine. I talk too sometimes...like rant for about 3/4 minutes non-stop and then walk away or start laughing (depending on the sin and the sinner)

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  12. Oh well i just walk away and give you the silent treatment for awhile then tell you later what you have done. but i mostly hate it when someone acts stupid several times then says sorry all the time. like what's the point. at that point i just ignore for the rest of ur life..lool.

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    1. Oh i hate the sorry bit too like are you for real? Just do better and stop apologising. I also don't like when i tell you something pisses me off and you keep doing it.

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  13. It depends....
    Sometimes I shut up and sometimes I speak up, depending on the person.

    I think forgiveness is selfish. I do it for myself, not really for the person. I don't want God to not forgive me, so if what I need to do to be in God's good books is to let someone who offended me go? Easy choice.

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    1. I agree with the selfish thing a lot

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  14. I detest confrontational arguments and so I turn on the mute button when offended.

    Meting out the silent treatment itself is reactional...you'd definitely know I've been rubbed off the wrong way, then I 'purge' myself and I'm free and fine. All forgiven...until the next episode, that is.

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  15. Just like me. You get all the excuses and grace till I run out of supply, you cease to exist to me afterwards. "if it's a guy and there is the need to knock him out then yes he's gonna get knocked out"

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    1. We're certainly twins for a reason loool. I don't do physical though. I'm chicken :D

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  16. I wish i were better at dealing with people who piss me off and/or being able to write them off. I have this innate need to psychoanalyze everything and everyone. I blame the psych degree lol.

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    1. Sigh. I also try to look for reasons not to burn the bridge. It takes a really really long time but i see that you bring too much drama and pain, you gotta go...not in anger. Just resolution

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  17. Hmmm......Hmmm.......Hmmm......do I need to say more Toin? *throway face to one corner and whistling*

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    1. Lmaoo i don't think so ma'am. I like your way though

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  18. Silent treatment of life mehn!!!! Looool!

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  19. I don't hold grudges. I tell you I don't like what you did, and it ends there. If you like change your way, if you like remain the same. That's your bizness.

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    1. I'm hearing you. I wish i was that easy

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  20. The way I handle anger depends on the offender; The silent treatment never worked for me though because most times I am still thinking about the offense while the offender has moved on, so I figure, why should I suffer alone?

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    1. Loool@suffer alone but you have a good point there. This is giving me ideas

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  21. I walk away, get home and address the offending party in the comfort of my home (usually in front of a mirror). Depending on the magnitude of my anger/annoyance, the address can go on for 2 to 3 days (definitely not continuous). When I'm satisfied (which is usually the case since the offending party in absentia shuts up during the address), we are back to normal the next time I see them.
    So, it appears I'm a very nice, cool, calm person who never gets angry. Not sure if that means I'm forgiving though.

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  22. Toin honey..Welcom bak oo!! I missed your ranting!!
    About forgiveness, beg, forgive ooh, but dont forget the b***es address or face!! Mark them!! Lol.
    www.kazinidaily.com

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  23. I think that's just giving bad mannered folks too much free air time.
    I love everyone because God asked me to but I don't like everybody.
    If your wahala too much, I demote you to level of acquaintance- meaning I'll still help you if I can but only within business hours subject to other acquaintances already in line (First In First Out).
    'Friends' get VIP treatment and 24hrs service/attention. Shikena.
    No one can make us angry unlike we let them- Eleanor Roosevelt

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Hit me nicely