Thursday, 26 April 2012

Nigeria: Of Prophets And Profits

 This piece was written by Collins Uma. I stumbled on it here. I found it interesting enough to share. Enjoy.

It has often been said that the average Nigerian can live, work/do business and succeed in any part of the world irrespective of how deplorable the conditions are in that place. This is because he believes he has seen and heard it all,no matter what. Every Nigerian you see on the street is proof of the fact that no force – social, economic, political, cultural or even supernatural – can stop a man who is determined to live. Recent events, however, have hit us in such rapid succession that we are all gasping for breath while staggering on our feet as we wonder if the gods have not hit us too hard this time as they test our resolve to run the gauntlet, at the end of which we might find national prosperity and greatness. We lost our ability to be shocked long ago. Like water poured on a duck,we have shaken off some scandals and crises which would have brought other countries to their knees if not to the point of extinction or annihilation.

While we were still trying to understand how a President could budget N1billion for his feeding in a year,the Capital Market Probe Committee revealed to us how the Director General of the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) illegally and criminally spent N30million out of our common wealth for her hotel accommodation. Then came the Pension Scam. Few greedy thieves feeding fat off the toils of millions of Nigerians. Before we could comment on that,news filtered in of how our dear King Ebele of Otuoke broke his own record of lows by using the office of the President of the most populous black nation in the world to solicit and get a church built in his village by an Italian firm looking for contracts from his government,in blatant contravention of the code of conduct for public officers. We were still gathering ourselves to respond to that embarrassment and disgrace when we got distracted by Mr James Onanefe Ibori,the big thief from The Big Heart.

The facts of Ibori’s prosecution,conviction and subsequent incarceration are all there for public consumption. When the pictures surfaced on the net recently of him and a man of the cloth(a highly respected ‘Daddy’ I must say),I pondered in my heart what must have transpired between them. Being an ordained minister and a certified member of the clergy myself,I know that such meetings hardly take place without the transfer of some ‘Prophet Offerings’. It didn’t start here. In the Bible,Naaman,the Syrian government official in the Old Testament(2Kings chapter 5) took some with him when he went to visit Prophet Elisha. Whether our ‘Papa’ in that picture rejected the offering, as Elisha did, is another matter.

Nigerians are deeply religious people,which leaves you wondering how come people like Ibori still exist within the top echelons of our society. The answer is simple. Our prophets have become much more interested in the pecuniary profits they derive from their interactions with these men than in the permanent gains of practicing their profession before these men.

Let’s go to church.
King Jehoshaphat, in the Bible(1Kings chapter 22), before going out to war against an enemy king, looked around and asked a question. He wanted to win the war and he knew there was a role ONLY a true prophet could play so he looked around and asked,”Is there no prophet in this land?” The country was at war and the prophets acted as if it was none of their business. Those who were called could not look the king in the face and tell him the truth.

The importance of religious leaders in a society like Israel’s in the Old Testament and Nigeria’s now can never be over emphasized. That was why the king in Prophet Elisha’s time wondered why there would be a prophet in the land and the people and the people would still be in such socio-economic quagmire,and he threatened to have the prophet decapitated unless the situation changed. That same day the prophet spoke and within 24 hours there was a turn-around(2Kings chapter 6,verses 24-33 and chapter 7).
I stand today and I ask:Is there no prophet in this land?

Our productive workforce is being decimated daily by a confederation of terrorists,bad roads,police brutality and unspeakable fraud and corruption in government.

Is there no prophet in the land?

A mind-boggling N1.1TRILLION has been criminally siphoned from government coffers under guise of subsidy payment mostly to government contractors who imported no petrol.

Is there no prophet in the land?

Within 24 hours,the Accountant-General of the federation crazily signs 128 cheques each worth N999MILLION for subsidy payment to looters and our Pastors and Imams keep quiet forgetting that this is money that could greatly improve the living conditions of the worshipers in their churches and mosques!

Where are the Pastors in Delta state?

Governor Uduaghan was the Secretary to the State Government and Deputy Gov.Utuama was the Attorney-General during Ibori’s reign. They were part of the corrupt administration. How come nobody is asking any questions?

Do not speak to me about prosperity if you cannot speak against the instrument the devil is using to deny me that prosperity.

Where are the Imams in Abuja and Niger State?

Have they asked why Kabiru Sokoto who masterminded the Christmas Day bomb blast in Madalla,Niger State,close to Abuja has not been arraigned?

The success of a religious leader is not measured by his ownership of a private jet or fleet of exotic cars or by the calibre of government officials who pay courtesy calls on him but by what positive change he is able to bring by his words and actions within the society in which he finds himself. This is why America will never forget the Rev. Martin Luther King Jnr, a Baptist Minister and Malcolm X, one of the founding leaders of the Nation of Islam, and founder of the Muslim Mosque Inc.

As a religious leader, when your name appears in the news media, it should be for something better than the defence of masturbation. It should not be because you slapped a female member of your congregation or because there is a debate whether or not a former bank chief who is on the run for fraud contributed to the funds for your private jet. Your prophecies should also be about something of more significance than the scoreline of a Super Eagles match or which Nollywood actor will be alive at the end of the year.
As we trudge along on our journey to recapture our greatness as a nation, it is time for the true men of God to stand up and be counted. Yes, God is watching.

As Rev.Martin Luther King Jnr said, “In the end, we will remember,not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends”.
Follow Collins Uma on Twitter: @collinsmaestro

Monday, 23 April 2012


So our very own amazing blogger; @tilola aka Atilola Moronfolu just got her first book published so it’s yay time. It is a collection of poetry, prose and drama illustrating the real life experiences of different people. Her posts are always fresh and creative and this book is no less. She’s a Business Consultant, Writer, Editor, Publisher and an amazing girlfriend lol (hey, gutter people, not mine of course!) She’s also super-woman (yea, you can quote me)
Watch the trailer below

A preview from ‘In My Pocket’

‘Goshe – A short form of Shokolokobangoshe

Scenario 2
Mummy Bobo: Olowo ori mi (owner of my head), how was that favourite food of yours that I made for you? I am sure you enjoyed it. I have come to tell you about Bobo, your son. He is about to write his SSCE exams. The other day, I heard my senior wife bragging to her cousin that kola, her son, made all his papers two years ago because he is hardworking and brilliant. She then said she is sure Bobo will do the opposite and fail woefully. Olowo ori mi, please, don't let my enemies laugh at me. I know you can help me get the exam questions on the eve of every exam paper. This is the only way Bobo will be able to prove her wrong and shut her mouth forever. Daddy Bobo, you always say you love me more than my senior wife and if you really mean that, you will not let her have the last laugh over me.
Chief Goshe: Woman! Woman!! Woman!!! I have always warned you about this Bobo of a boy, but you will never listen to me. You spoil him too much; I hope he won't be the source of your downfall in future. Anyway, I will give you what you request, after which he will go to the UK to start his foundation course. You better warn your son to buckle up now, because there is no way I will fly over to meet David Cameron to organize exam papers by the time he gets to the UK. A word is enough for the wise. For now, the exam questions are not a problem. I have the education sector IN MY POCKET!
Scenario 3
Oloyinbo: (Getting up from his two minutes prostration, which Chief Goshe acknowledged by massaging his head with the sole of his left foot, he then starts hailing loudly) Baba Goshe, Baba mi, you will live long, your enemies will not see their children. Anyone that says it will not be well with you, it won't be well with them too. Baba mi, the time has come. I need your help seriously. It’s time for the councilor election for the local constituencies. As I told you last year, I intend to contest and since I have adopted you as my political father, who else will I run to but you? Baba Goshe, don't worry about my credentials. The minimum requirement is the SSCE result and I have already sorted that out with some boys and now have my results. All I need now is your backing and support. Baba mi, I am in your hand now o.
Chief Goshe: Oloyinbo, my nephew, see your mango head like that of my father. You want to run for councillor, hmm? I thought you were joking when you mentioned it last year. I hope you know the implications of what you are doing? The politics of our time is not for the lily-livered at all. You have to be on your toes at all times. Be ready to make friends and enemies, be ready to do anything to protect your political career and even your life from political detractors. It’s a dog eat dog world and make sure you are ready for all the consequences. You should have just accepted the business I offered to set up for you, but you youths of nowadays have been bitten by the get-rich-quick bug. Since you insist, I will help you. I will take you to a meeting tomorrow, where you will meet some powerful people. But know this one thing; you must not, in turn, bite the fingers of these powerful people, including mine, when you win. You will have to dance to their tunes. Otherwise, the ground will have no choice but to reject you. After tomorrow, your victory is a done deal. Even if you don't contest, you have won! It’s a done deal, I have the electoral system IN MY POCKET!
Scenario 4
Sisi Peperempe: (After a steamy sex session) Honey boy, cookie crumble, sweetie, darling, sugar! I need your assistance o. You remember my youngest brother, Dodoyo, he's in Anti-graft commission’s custody. He was arrested last week (Kissing his fat filled pot belly). They said he posed as a minister and defrauded some companies. You know the story of my family and how Dodoyo and I had to see ourselves through life by all means possible. He's the only family I have. We have gone through so much and he doesn't deserve jail time or to lose all he has worked for. (Pouting her lips, with permanent red lipstick on) Baby boo, you must help Dodoyo or else ehn...

Chief Goshe: Sisi Peperempe! C'mon, rest your little head. Why are you worrying yourself over nothing? I am disappointed in the way you keep worrying and emphasizing on this issue. After the three years of us playing this 'love game', you still worry about these little things. Before you start your rants again, don't worry I forgive you. I guarantee you that it is settled. Give me a maximum of two days, Dodoyo will get out of custody and all his frozen assets will be returned. Plus the anti-graft commission, plus the person that created the anti-graft commission, I have them all IN MY POCKET!

Scenario 5
Mr. Sinwonje: (Smacking his stomach during a meal of Suya and bottles of Lager beer at a popular elite club in Abuja) Chief Goshe, what are you going to do about this latest development now? I think Mr. President is serious about this power thing this time around o. If those Japanese people dare sign that contract of the electricity overhaul in this country, that line of business is over for me o, and you know that means you will also lose your regular cut. Hmm, Goshe, this is not good news at all. That is my major income-generating business and I use it to keep body and soul, Princess and Priscilla together. Imagine that this whole country, Nigeria, will not need generators or diesels to make their life easier. This is serious disaster. I will do anything to make it fail….

Read the rest of this and a lot more in your copy of Antonyms of a Mirage.

Grab Your Copy Now!!! 

Oh, and i'm giving out a copy of this amazing book. All you have to do is be a follower of this blog and leave a comment in the comment section with your email address. Shikena 

UPDATE: I used the True Random Number Generator to select and The winner of Antonyms of a Mirage is  Cee. Congratulations girl. Don't worry guys, i will be doing more give-away so you still stand a chance of winning. Thanks for participating.

Friday, 13 April 2012


No, this post has nothing to do with Sisi Yemi’s Shit episode or the Baba Suwe saga. This post is about my bestie, Mo. The crazy one whose crazy is rubbing off on me? Yea, that one. She’s probably going to kill me for posting this. (Mo pls don’t kee me yet. Maybe after we get back from Abu Dhabi #wink) By the way, she got her very own BBM proposal so I might be a chief bride’s maid soon. Here it is:

Guy: Where did you live now, Lagos or Abuja?.am completing my Master in may2012..i want a lucky woman in my life,someone mature just like you...wish to marry you..these might sound dirty to you..but no,am taking from my heart..we knew each other long time from primary school...we could plan to marry these year. (I did not edit nada..straight copy and paste)
Me: Mo, I think he is truly “The One” *straight face*

I was having a conversation with Mo on Friday. She pinged to ask who was on my BlackBerry display picture.
Mo: Who's d sexy geh?
Toin: Me na. I'm segsy o
Mo: Seriously that's u? Wow!
Toin: If I slap u. Lol
Toin: I'm so haute. Ok, give my pin only to politicians preferably senators
Mo: Big tiff. Ole
Toin: I need someone to fund my Abu Dhabi trip na
Mo: Abeg go to Abeokuta. Have u ever seen olumo rock b4? Or been to Gurara falls?
Toin: Naa, I no fit climb
Mo: There's an elevator to d top of d rock. Just saying, in case I get u a local government chairman
Toin: Lol. But I hear they have money too o
Mo: Or maybe I can get u a kind hearted civil servant like myself. We don't have money but we've got conscience
Toin: Hmn. Money is gud sha but if he *cough* is well developed unlike my 20yr old baby den it’s cool
Mo: Lol. Who told you that lil boy's phallus ain’t developed? He can impregnate u o
Toin: You're such a baddie. Phallus ke? that's a very very bad visual. But Adam's can't be sef. He's still growing. He probably still has milk teeth sef. I shant be a cougar
Mo: You are not serious kan kan. By the way, I'm choppin d life of my head. Taking cold Garri wit Groundnut &milk &lots &lots of sugar wit Suya.
Toin: You are enjoying o. That’s going to be serious shit-fest. But it would be sooo worth it
Mo: Today is Friday and I’m not going anywhere tomorrow so I can shit all I want.

And we talked about other stuff. Fast forward to Saturday, Mo pings me several times.
Mo: Toin!!! U be winch walahi. I just dey shit watery shit since morning ni.
Toin: No worry. Dat food ensemble is worth every single drop of watery shit
Mo: I'm weak o. Just in case anything happens to me, I think I have like 10k in my FCMB acct and about 1k in my GTB account. Don't allow the banks commandeer my money o
Toin: Lmao. Just drink water so you don’t get dehydrated.
Mo: Make sure I wear a very hot dress to heaven
Toin: Silly fish
Mo: Wit a banging hairstyle. Banke meshida should do d make up. Designer lomo from head to toe
Toin: Make-up ke? I will be too busy crying sef. You are not dying till we see Abu Dhabi jor. Nonsense geh
Mo: I don talk my own o. Dis shit na like pure water. It just dey drip and d annoying part is that I haven't even lost weight sef
Toin: lwkmd. Der has 2b some benefits to d drippinizing shit truly o. A few pounds at least.

She learnt her lesson right? Er, not quite. Later in the evening, I buzzed her:

Toin: Hey, hws shittarazzi going?
Mo: Shittarazzi is on hold 4now but i just finished eating vegetable tho (covering-face smiley)
Toin: O tun je veggies? (You're still eating veggies?)
Mo: I couldn't resist it. I know ojukokoro won't kill me. They just made it & d aroma was just disturbing my nose. Don't worry I won't go to church 2moro so that I don't disgrace myself

Shaking My Head (horizontally of course a la HoneyDame)

My blog was one last month and I totally forgot. Bad bad Toin but in my defense, I always thought I started blogging in April (not a good enough defense I know) so happy one year blogoversary to me and my blog. *popping something*
Google Images
97 followers and dare I say friends... some I’ve connected with offline and I’m loving it all. *raising a glass of berryblast* To many more blogging years and friendship.

Any idea how to celebrate? i'm open to nice suggestions so please hit me. Maybe some Ajayi-bembem-street-type parry lol.

And my friend apologised so yay! The world is at peace again :)

P.S: Thanks everyone for your comments on my last post. Y’all are amazeballs *muah*