DEAR SANTA

 Hey people. Thanks for all the comments on my last post. Love you guys muchos. Today i am featuring a fellow almost-passive blogger who i find very eccentric. His name is IK and you can find him here although he hasn't been updating for a while. Anyway, he wrote this letter to Santa last year and i wanted to share it.

Dear Santa,

It’s funny how it’s only this time of the year you become relevant, I mean, I never ever think of you through out the whole year. Maybe it because for some reasons in the last 10 years I haven’t gotten a gift from you, now why is that? You definitely can’t say I haven’t been good these past years. Or is it because we moved and no longer live on the top floor, and our house doesn’t have a chimney? How do you ever fit into chimneys with your excess fat and sagging stomach, haven’t you heard of something called a gym? I mean you go around carrying your big fat belly around encouraging fathers that it looks cool. I guess you also drink too much beer that’s why, so which is your brand? Star, 33, Gulder? Naa you look like a Heineken man. Do me a favour, go hit the gym and while you’re at it, stop at the barbers place. They just might mistake you for a terrorist climbing people’s roofs #justsaying

I left the doors open last year hoping you’ll think it wise not to pass my house by since I don’t have a chimney, but I guess the excess fat’s getting your brains clogged. (No offense). Or could it be because the last time you landed Rudolf and the other reindeer (never figured out their names) on the roof, my neighbours saw it as an opportunity for free Christmas game kill and tried out their stoning practice on the deers hoping for free meat? Poor Rudolf! One would think that by now you’d have caught up with the 21st century and bought yourself a cool set of wheels. And quit messing up peoples roofing sheets, you do realise people in Nigeria/Ibadan use zinc right? I mean, it gets really noisy when you land, you practically wake the whole neighbourhood, which gives up your position and once again you become target practice.

Rumour has it that traps have been set for you on roofs and instead of stones like the last time, security men have been equipped with hunting rifles, its tagged “operation shoot to kill”, and who ever gets to kill or trap Rudolf gets his red nose and head.
So I advice you try the wheels. Don’t go for low cars, try the SUV’s or Sienna, they have enough room for you and the gifts. Hey I could even hook you up with a good deal. If you’re game you know how to find me.

Speaking of gifts, you really do owe me all these lost years and have to make up, also I’m going out here risking my neck by telling you the plans they have for your deer and saving your red behind so you really need to step up and show me some attic love. My list it really isn’t much just the basic;

1st of all I need a bb, not blue band I mean a black berry. I’m sick of chicks asking me for a pin and I’m running out of lines to tell them. BB bold 9700
2. An Ipad Wi-Fi 16GB tablet
3. Zune
4. Skate board…….i don’t know how too, but would be cool to carry one in my back pack.
5. Nikon D5000 digital camera
6. TAG Heuer or a Casio G- shock
7. PS 3 and make sure it comes with Call of Duty: Black Ops game
8. A date with Kim Kardashian or Nicki Minaj
9. A new wardrobe, with all the basics and essentials
Finally my last gift is for you…..buy a clipper for me but you can keep it, you need it more than I do. And make sure you use it; you need a serious total make over, probably should try a Mohawk or weave. Don’t you watch E! TV or The Style Network? You need to go watch them, start with TSN, watch “How Do I Look”, and then get some style tips from E! Lose that big fluffy red and white costume you wear and replace it with a suit. Trust me you’ll look more like an entrepreneur/CEO than some weirdo climbing into people’s house to toy with kids. You just might beat Brad Pitt to the father of the year award if you take my advice.

Anyway don’t say I never wrote you this year and didn’t show you love, once again my house would be the only one without a zinc roof and with the generator on, not expecting PHCN to be nice that day. Would put a sign board for you just in case and the spare house key is under the mat. So you don’t have an excuse for miss my house.
Don’t forget, gym, change your wardrobe, wheels, salon, and please quit the way you laugh, kids now know the slang word whore, so when you go HOHOHOHOHO, it sound pretty much like whorewhorewhore…….lol, sorry had to add that, really funny joke I heard.

Merry Christmas Santa, would be on the look out for you on the eve of Christmas.

LAST WORKING DAY AND THANKFUL NOTES

Photo source: Google images

Last Friday was my last day of work for 2011 so yay me! I was decked in native with my nicely configured head-tie and looking gorg. (I know you’ll say #humblemuch but it’s true). I got my Christmas package and bonus too. I’m so excited but I don’t actually have any concrete plans yet but I’m sure I’m going to have fun. My current plan includes lots of sleep, movies, food, more sleep and more movies and more food lol. The fact that I don’t have to wake up early for the next one month except if I decide to, rocks!

I’m grateful that I’ve had a pretty good year. Some ups and downs as usual but the ups seriously trump the downs. Even in d midst of chaos, God was faithful and I’ve been able to smile through it all. I’ve definitely made good on some of my plans for 2011 and I’m glad I kept to my resolutions. I’m thankful to God for the gift of life because I cannot begin to recount how many bombings, accidents, rapes, suicides, kidnappings etc I have heard about this year. A lot of young people also died this year and none of my family or closest friends did and for that, I am truly thankful. My heart goes out to those who lost family and friends and I pray that the grace of God will be with us wherever and whenever we need it and may He also give us the strength to move on. (ojo a jina sira won) I have a lot of reasons to be thankful which are too many but below are some of them.

·        The air I breathe which many people take for granted. Some people need oxygen mask to breathe.

·        The bills I pay even if they’re minor like phone and DSTV bills.

·        The water I drink even though I think it’s tasteless and always go for BerryBlast instead which I’ve been told several times isn’t healthy.

·        The fact that I can open my eyes in the morning and see the harmattan mist and the way my mom has arranged stuff I warned her not to touch.

·        My functional nose even if it perceives the bad breathe of the person next to me and my colleague’s perfume that makes me sneeze.

·        I’m thankful for the hands typing this and blogging among other things. A lot of people are quadriplegic.

·        I’m thankful that I can feel my boobs. If you also can feel all your body parts, you have no idea how lucky you are. I don’t know how Guiliana Rancic feels at the moment but I pray she’s okay and God will ease her fears and pain.

·        I’m thankful for my job for thousands are jobless even if it means working with difficult bitches and ass wipes people I don’t sometimes agree with.

·        I’m thankful for all my ‘toasters’ even if some are 20years old and make me feel like a cougar.

·        I’m thankful for my smile which I consider my best feature. I swear, it’s infectious and melts hearts. I just smile and people get addicted. They can’t help it. My smile is that potent lol.

·        I’m thankful for my personality. I don’t dwell on things I can’t change so I focus on the things I can and let God deal with the rest. I’m also an extrovert and I seem to make people laugh and feel better despite life’s challenges that I deal with everyday. I don’t know how that is but I’m thankful for that too

·        I’m thankful that i finally learnt how to drive and it feels good. I even have a sharp retort for every messed-up driver who crosses me. I’m gangster like that lol. I’m sure I’m pretty good but you don’t wan to be my passenger. Not just yet.

·        I’m thankful for good health. I went to University Teaching Hospital (UCH) and met a lady who had an Okada accident about two months ago. She was on an okada and a car hit them from behind. She’s now paraplegic and she’s been inconsolable ever since. I did everything I could to reassure her that God has a reason for everything and it’ll be fine. We talked for over one hour and I finally got her to smile and even laugh out loud several times and we exchanged numbers. When I left her bed-side, her mom gave me a big bear hug and I understood every unspoken word. As I was passing the nurse’s station, a Nurse stopped me to say “what you did today was wonderful, thank you”; I felt like I won a lottery. The world could be so much better if we all did something for the next person. I’ve spoken to people who think they have to be a certain age with lots of money to give back to the society but sometimes a look, a smile, a hug or a word is enough. Anything and I mean A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G can happen in a minute. We most times don’t get a perspective of how precious life is until it’s too late. If you want something, don’t wait. Go for it. This is the only life you have and the next minute is not guaranteed. Make every minute count for good. People may forget what you said or did but they will never forget how you made them feel.

·        I’m thankful for my friends who make me laugh when life throws me mean curves. RK and Mo are amazing. RK’s always there when I need him and he always has my back. Mo is just awesome. She says I inspire her but she has no idea how much she inspires me. My mom actually thinks she’s the prettiest thing. (Whose side is my mom supposed to be on anyways? I mean, considering the fact that I look like her you would think she’ll be on mine) Mo also claims I am crazy but I think she is. Or maybe our crazies are rubbing off on each other. I’ll post one of our conversations so you’ll know the crazy is not all me. Did I just admit to being crazy? Oh well.

·        I’m thankful for my family. I talk about them constantly (like you haven’t noticed) and I couldn’t have wished for any better. We have this Mafia-like bond going on. I tell Prim-not a secret and make her promise not to tell anyone and Prim calls me 15minutes later to ask me for the details of the secret because Prim-not just gave her the basics of my supposed secret smh. I think my brother and mom were sent to this world to annoy me but I love them all the same because they’re amazing. When we’re all home, it’s always a certified mad-house fun-house. Each time I tell Prim “I love you” she goes all suspicious and asks what I want and when I tell Prim-not same; she asks if I’m trying to “dagbere” (give a farewell). They are not getting rid of me that easily mehn besides I have this endless bucket list. I’m thankful for my Prime brother in-law (daddy factor) and my Paddiest in-law who are just the ‘bestest’. My nieces; Princess, Angel, Tim and Kim who make my life more colourful than the rainbow. I don’t even understand how I can love them this much but I do and I’m thankful for that.

·        I’m thankful for my blog family. I’ve not met any of you personally but I love you guys you have no idea. I feel as if we’ve been friends since forever. I read anonymously for a long time before deciding on starting mine. I however procrastinated for so long until it eventually entered my resolution and here we are; 60 followers and counting. It’s been wonderful and I love you guys. I’m not giving a farewell speech because I intend to be around for much longer God willing. (Y’all aren’t getting rid of me that easily either).

Finally, as this year comes to an end, the only thing I ask from God is Favour. If life decides to hand me a dirty stinky he-goat, I’ll ask Prim, 9ja foodie and Lohi o, Myne (even Coy Introvert has some extroverted culinary skills mehn) for pointers and make a badass Isi-Ewu, Suya, Kebab and everything nice you can make with goat-meat and ask life: whatchagondobouurit huh? Or want some?