PROPOSALS (PART 2): IT’S COUGAR TOWN

Photo Source: Google Images

Thank you all for your insightful tips on motherhood and discipline. My scared level has dropped and i feel like whenever the time comes, it won't be so bad with all the wealth of knowledge i will be getting from you guys. *hugs*. Now to the concluding part of my gist. If you missed part 1, please check here. So i attended a friend’s wedding and it was a mini-reunion of sorts. I got a fake proposal from a wacky friend with a wacky ring and it was so hilarious. It almost made me forget about the painful 20k Aso Ebi that I had buy for that wedding (post for another day) Now, all my friends and family listen up, when/if i get married, I MUST get a Car/House from all of you people I have invested in your wedding in the form of Aso Ebi o. I don’t know why anybody will give me Aso Ebi for 20k to be on her train. I know she didn’t force me but she wasn’t someone I could refuse. She actually begged and she’s nice so I couldn’t say no. Prim-not attended a wedding who’s Aso Ebi was also 20k and she was not offered water let alone gift. At least I got a very nicely packaged gift so I will be shutting up right about now.

Back to the main gist of today, i was chilling at the engagement ceremony with 5 of my friends and those ones were dancing like dance was going into extinction. Initially we were playing catch-up and refusing to dance because the bride already warned us not to ‘out-dance’ her but as soon as serious music started, grooving started. These girls were digging it in heels; some Beyonce-type ish. I just respected myself and was cheering them on and snapping. It was then i noticed this young looking tall and slim dude staring at moi. For the purpose of this post, we shall call him Adam.

He came to chit chat with one of my friends who discovered he was related to the groom. When Adam asked my friend for my number, the sensible thing would have been to say ‘no’ or ‘ask her yourself’ ba? My crazy friend apparently thought since I was single, it was cool to hook me up with random strangers (who could be serial killers God forbid) so she gave him my number. Or maybe she was high from all the food and dance. She later told me what she did and after having the “No!”/”Yes” “You did not”/“Yes I did” conversation, we chilled and continued enjoying the party. There couldn’t be much harm in giving out a number, could there, right? Wrong!

After the party, Adam started calling me. Initially I didn’t think anything of it until i started seeing 20 missed calls! Shuo! What for? By Sunday afternoon, the calls were beginning to irritate me and i was ready to kill my friend who did this to me. Then Adam called on Sunday evening and said he had a question he wanted to ask me.

Adam: I really like you and I would like to date you. I think it’s love at first sight for me.

Me: (shocked look and eyes bulging like saucers. No! He didn’t just use that line!) er, what did you say?

Adam: I said I want to date you.

In my head :!@#$%^&*:> %^#!^@&**^#&^&^!!!??

Me: (in a deceptively calm voice) I honestly don’t think that would work. How old are you Adam?

Adam: I’m 20.

In my head: Cougar cougar cougar cougar Cradle snatcher cradle snatcher

Me to my head: Shut up and let me think!

Me: Adam, I’m 30 (I’m not 30 by the way, just wanted to scare him off)

Adam: Age is just a number.

Me: (oh no no! He didn’t just use another line!)

So I rambled, told him I had to attend to something and got off the phone. I called Prim immediately and she laughed so hard and asked if I didn’t remember Jumping The Broom. Smh. I told her Lil Romeo is cute and totally worth going to jail for. So I ping Mo (my bestie) and give her the gist and she asked if I had forgotten How Stella Got Her Groove Back. What is wrong with these people and movies anyway?

Adam called back and I gently explained how it could not work for me (Do you guys believe in love at first sight?) He says we can be friends but he won’t stop asking and I smile. After that episode, he made it a habit to consistently call so I told him to relax on the calls. When i noticed he still called like he was obssessed, I put his number on ‘Silent’ (I miss Nokia so much. I would have blocked his line outright) After ignoring his calls for a while, he called with a strange number and I picked. The 1^st thing he said was, “why are you not picking your calls?” Warrahel? Er, until you sugar buy me a sugar phone, you do not sugar have the sugar right to sugar query me about what sugar calls I sugar pick or sugar ignore. (Now taking deep breaths and slowly counting 1-10). You should probably replace ‘sugar’ with the appropriate expletive. That however wasn’t my reply but it was absolutely what I wanted to say. So I calmly answer that I get busy during the day bla bla. He made small talk but I told him I was tired so he got off the phone. At this rate, i might have to produce a low budget movie titled Deliver me from Adam.

Now, sometimes when he calls, i pick and I don’t say a word (I know that’s mean but I need to get him off my case) so he has resorted to SMS which I keep ignoring. Check some out below:

May God who made dis day continue 2 shawer his blesns upon u,may he fil ur heart wt joy&hapines of d day,abv all may he grant u more beautiful day's! Gudmorn. Hw was ur 9yt. Aww, cute right? Keep reading.

Bed time is nt only wen u sleep,bt a time dat u think of does dat u really luv nd cherish.dis is my bedtime nd u're remebered, hav a pleasant 9t rest. Still cute huh? Keep going.

May ds cool 9yt bring u as beauty as a garden ful of rose&inspire hope 4 ur dream,wishn u a fabuloures sleep.gud9yt! Typological errors could happen to anyone right? Ok.

I can see ur smile fading, i can hear ur voice crack. You may not be near but u know i got ur back. Let me be ur friend who'll wipe ur tears away. Eh! See lyrical curse?! Gbogbo ara ile yin smile won ma fade! Thunder fire you.

Y u don't went to pek my call Y jus till me den i wil  no. I haf die finish. Ogini? Not so cute anymore abi?

Evryday u alwaz on my hrt,i 1dr hw God work's in a miraculus way,ur identical wht d angel i saw in my dream last 9yt.gudmorn hop d wedar is nt 2 cold. No words anymore. Non.

Thankfully, he has stopped stressing and the Universe has gone back to normal but he still calls from time to time. And that is the end of my creepy propositions story. Now, don’t go lecturing me about how age is a number and I should give him a chance o, en en because this is just too much drama and I am not a baby sitter. All this boy needs to do is grow up. Muah, love you guys muchos and I’ll be back.

MOTHERHOOD

Photo source: http://elev8.com/world/orethawinston/what-is-mothers-day/

 

Motherhood scares me. I honestly can’t wait to have kids but if they turn out to be anything like me, I'm in trouble because they'll drive me nuts#nojokes. I think motherhood has to be hands-down the hardest/trickiest job ever. The idea that my child will be totally dependent on me and my decisions (@least until s/he's old enough to start making them) scares me. I mean, what if I do something wrong and it's ingrained in her/his memory? #shaking it off.

I recently started appreciating my mom for my growing-up years because she was of the spare the rod and spoil the child school of thought. For a long time, I just wondered why she hated me (never mind that I was the naughtiest & most mischievous minx around) I just wanted her to be more like my dad who wouldn't beat you even after you re-painted a newly painted house with charcoal (you know the one you get from after-party burnt wood). I didn't do that by the way (ok so maybe I did but that's a post for another day). My sister however took 100% after my dad and she’s a total softie when it comes to kids. She just cannot help herself. She always wanted to be a full housewife with like 6 kids. She still does but the reality of life is not in favour so far.

Anyway, my sister, Prim-not had a fight with Princess; her 3yr old baby. Princess is one very naughty minx and they say she takes after me. I've seen Prim-not scold her lots of times and I usually manage to keep a straight face so I don't burst out laughing when she goes “Why did you do that? Are you a baby?” and Princess answers with “No” (I'm always tempted to tell Princess to say “of course I am mommy” lol). In my books, a 3year old is still a baby. So what happened was Prim-not noticed that anytime she is around the house, Princess would not touch her home work. Last Saturday, Prim-not decided to help Princess with her home work & Princess started playing around so my sister brought out the dreaded cane & threatened to beat her but Princess still refused so Prim-not beat her; one on the back. Princess of course cried and eventually finished the homework. A few minutes after, my sister noticed a small cane mark on Princess's back and felt so horrible she cried too. She then apologises to Princess; explaining why she beat her. They settle and that was that...or so my sister thought.

While at work on Monday, the nanny called Prim-not to tell her that Princess just told her that “My mommy beat me o”. My sister was devastated. She felt so bad she started crying at work (she's water works too). A colleague saw her crying and asked why and she spilled. The guy, who had never met Princess but had seen pictures, told her not to worry about it but she still felt bad. Now, two things worry her.

1) Princess is apparently becoming an adult and has passed the age where she forgets stuff.

2) Prim-not thinks she may be turning into our mom.

Later in the day, she called me to report herself and my mom heard us talking & told me to cut the phone so she could tongue-lash my sister which she did. As if that wasn't bad enough, the radio program on her way home was about parents who beat their kids. Now here's the deal, she is definitely not a child beater but it happened once and she has vowed to throw the cane away and revert to her usual scolding. Thing is, how does she make up and explain to the obviously smart baby who apparently did not forget the incident. Prim-not doesn't want Princess to start thinking "mommy hates me" or stuff like that. So my lovelies, please let me know what you think.

P.S: Please check out Gistmerchant’s blog. He's kinda new to blogville.

P.S.S: The part II of my proposals dilemma coming up shortly.

PROPOSALS (PART 1)

My amazing people of blogsville, Honeydame, Luscious Lue and Oroque, it is either I have suddenly become sizzling hawt or something is wrong with the universe. After that 9ja great’s sorta proposal to my last post, why would I wana settle for anything less? Cos "less" is what i've been kinda getting lately o. Anyways, just bring the ring already @9ja great. Muah. Ginger, please leme know if you still want the cream#wink

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It was after one of those stressful days at work. All I was dreaming of was a hold-up free ride so I could get home asap, take a bath and devour hot Amala in that order. The police decided to stop us at one of their check-points and they were asking for papers. My face, which always had a smile, was too tired so a smirk was all I could manage. One of the police guys was staring at me and smiling. He appeared to be in his late twenties. I just carried my face, yeye sombory. I was irritated because I was too tired besides, these police people have mastered the art of time-wasting.  I was just praying for them to find whatever they were looking for so we could be on our way. They kept going back and forth amongst themselves while my dad sat in the car, cool as a cucumber. After going back and forth for a while, the one that was smiling and staring came to the passenger door and slipped a piece of paper into the car. With a confused look, i quickly looked down and about the same time, they were telling us to go that we were cleared. (Before nko, long hiss) That was when I picked the paper and checked it. Below was the message scribbled on it.

Hi,
My name is olanrewaju. Plz I like to know you beta. 0803253510*

Mi daran (meaning: I’m in trouble) Just like that? Did an Olopa just make a pass at me? Make I call am be that abi? Is it just me or do babes actually respond to this kinda thing? Or am I over reacting? Anyways, that was the first one.

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You know how, when you wake up and you reach for your phone to check for messages and immediately feel ashamed because you haven’t prayed so you drop the phone and you pray? No? Hasn’t happened to you? Me neither. Anyways, after I prayed, I saw this facebook message notification so I checked it.  It reminded me so much of those letters we used to write in high school. “Hope the sun is shinning and the rain is showering on your roofs. If so, doxology” U never wrote those kinda letters? Yea, me neither. (Straight face) I see you Prim! Stop smiling! Anyways, this was the jaw-dropping message I found (copy and paste o)

Hello Beautiful,

How are you doing? I hope that life has been treating you so well. It is a very nice opportunity or rather I must say that it is a surprising thing that my attention was caught by this your nice and wonderful profile.

As I was browsing through this site, I really felt interesting on how you narrate your profile. Your pictures motivated me and even moved me to think more about relationship and all the good things that come with it. After going through your educative and fantastic profile I realize and also come to a final conclusion that you’re a very nice lady that has the epitome of knowledge which every average man most like to associate with.

That is why I sent you this message so that maybe we can be able to know each other well and discover some certain good things about each other.

Please feel free to reply my message. My BB pin number is 2201c1c* if you're on a Blackberry services

Thanks for paying attention and for your understanding.

Have a great week.

Yomi

Egbami o (save me o!). With bb pin sef. I mean, I know I’m not scary-looking or anything, but I had to check myself again like, who? Me? Really? I just laughed and ignored the message only for Mr. Yomi to send me another message in the evening.

G'evening beautiful,

i hope you didn't think i messaged you for fun of it or something or my chats with you were mere pranks. Well, there are lots i seen to make me conclude having a wonderful relationship with u. however i would not just want to be mere friends with you, but more. I would want you to take your time to get to know each other well and decide. You're quite beautiful and would not take you for granted. Please tell me more about yourself?

I would love to get to know you beautiful and more.

#drops dead (Now slowly getting back up and wide eyed) To think someone, sat down (or stood up) to compose this sorta message. Why? Why? But why? I mean, when fb started, these sorta messages were common and all but fb has kinda settled since then. I tend to just ignore these kinda messages though but I just had to share this with my blogsville people so y’all can learn English and lerra composition. Hihihi. I say no be only my eyes go see am.

On the same day, another Emmanuel sombory sent me a message:

Nice to meet u. Facebook sent ur name to me asking if i know u. i think we can be friends isnt it. im a single guy. im in lekki. tell me about u too.

See me see long thing. Tell facebook ur not interested na. abi just ignore. That’s what the rest of us do na! As if that was not enough, I now went for wedding that weekend and a particular sombory decided I was Cougar material. That is coming up in my very next post. Stay tuned. (I sound like NTA Ibadan network centre) hehehe. Love y’all. Muah.