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Motherhood scares me. I honestly can’t wait to have kids but if they turn out to be anything like me, I'm in trouble because they'll drive me nuts#nojokes. I think motherhood has to be hands-down the hardest/trickiest job ever. The idea that my child will be totally dependent on me and my decisions (@least until s/he's old enough to start making them) scares me. I mean, what if I do something wrong and it's ingrained in her/his memory? #shaking it off.
I recently started appreciating my mom for my growing-up years because she was of the spare the rod and spoil the child school of thought. For a long time, I just wondered why she hated me (never mind that I was the naughtiest & most mischievous minx around) I just wanted her to be more like my dad who wouldn't beat you even after you re-painted a newly painted house with charcoal (you know the one you get from after-party burnt wood). I didn't do that by the way (ok so maybe I did but that's a post for another day). My sister however took 100% after my dad and she’s a total softie when it comes to kids. She just cannot help herself. She always wanted to be a full housewife with like 6 kids. She still does but the reality of life is not in favour so far.
Anyway, my sister, Prim-not had a fight with Princess; her 3yr old baby. Princess is one very naughty minx and they say she takes after me. I've seen Prim-not scold her lots of times and I usually manage to keep a straight face so I don't burst out laughing when she goes “Why did you do that? Are you a baby?” and Princess answers with “No” (I'm always tempted to tell Princess to say “of course I am mommy” lol). In my books, a 3year old is still a baby. So what happened was Prim-not noticed that anytime she is around the house, Princess would not touch her home work. Last Saturday, Prim-not decided to help Princess with her home work & Princess started playing around so my sister brought out the dreaded cane & threatened to beat her but Princess still refused so Prim-not beat her; one on the back. Princess of course cried and eventually finished the homework. A few minutes after, my sister noticed a small cane mark on Princess's back and felt so horrible she cried too. She then apologises to Princess; explaining why she beat her. They settle and that was that...or so my sister thought.
While at work on Monday, the nanny called Prim-not to tell her that Princess just told her that “My mommy beat me o”. My sister was devastated. She felt so bad she started crying at work (she's water works too). A colleague saw her crying and asked why and she spilled. The guy, who had never met Princess but had seen pictures, told her not to worry about it but she still felt bad. Now, two things worry her.
1) Princess is apparently becoming an adult and has passed the age where she forgets stuff.
2) Prim-not thinks she may be turning into our mom.
Later in the day, she called me to report herself and my mom heard us talking & told me to cut the phone so she could tongue-lash my sister which she did. As if that wasn't bad enough, the radio program on her way home was about parents who beat their kids. Now here's the deal, she is definitely not a child beater but it happened once and she has vowed to throw the cane away and revert to her usual scolding. Thing is, how does she make up and explain to the obviously smart baby who apparently did not forget the incident. Prim-not doesn't want Princess to start thinking "mommy hates me" or stuff like that. So my lovelies, please let me know what you think.
P.S: Please check out Gistmerchant’s blog. He's kinda new to blogville.
P.S.S: The part II of my proposals dilemma coming up shortly.
awwww...pooor prim-not. she needs to realise that a 3year old is not as much a baby as she thinks. Those kids are smart and if she lets her push her around....well!!!
ReplyDeleteShe can throw away the cane if she likes...abara can work just as fine.
Why is she so terrified of turning into your mum?
I know for a fact that there are certain cane-habits that my mum had when I was growing up that I hope and pray to God not to imbibe. However, I know for a fact that if I were my own child, I'ld beat me for some of the things that I did as I a child.
It is all about finding a balance. Kids are by nature very daring and recalcitrant, if you let them, it grows into their adult personality and there is no changing it then. So at this age, she needs to know who the boss is.
Between, as you know,I dot have a child yet but I have been around plenty babies. Yes I am blissfully aware that caring for my little 20month old niece is not quite the same as caring for my own child, yet I doubt if much will change in the way I will discipline them.
If beating her with a cane makes your sister feel so bad, then perhaps she should just use her hand. However, I don't think she should be so worried about her daughter thinking she hates her. The thing is children love boundaries. And disciplining a child helps to set them. As HoneyDame pointed out, the child needs to know who's boss! There's plenty of time to be friends later, but whilst your raring your child they need to learn to respect and obey your (the boss) authority.
ReplyDeletePersonally I don't advocate beatings, my parents were strict, my dad was a beater, but my mum was not by nature. What she lacked in the beating department she more than made up in other areas of punishment. Like confiscations, refusals and forbiddings. Lol.
aww. i feel for her. but well tht's parenting sha. if she decides not to use cane then she can use punishment or her hand or sthing else. she's at the age where she has to know the difference between right and wrong. and your sister always has to explain to her whenever she disciplines her. anyway im not a parent yet o n dunno wht i'll do if it was me. always scared of having a stubborn child too cos i am stubborn.lol
ReplyDeleteA 3 year old is definitely not a baby. There are other ways of disciplining her without using a cane at this age but she needs to set the rules now when they are still young.
ReplyDeleteMehn... parenting is a lot of work. Asides discipline, I believe praying for the child goes a long way. We're prone to errors even in our best times.
ReplyDeleteTalking of discipline, it's clearly understandable how she feels and it shows the depth of her love for Princess. To perfect that love, discipline is essential to bring the child back on track. It's hard to do but needed.
I feel for your sister. If she thinks using the cane is too harsh, then she should use her hands. My sister beats her son using her hands whenever he misbehaves. Her son is almost 3years and can be stubborn. Kids need to know that there is punishment for wrong doing and rewards too.
ReplyDeleteI think the key for any parent is to find what manner of discipline works and not just always default to a beating. My auntie used to beat my God-brother all the time...EVERYONE used to beat my God-brother. He was so mischievous, just a flat-out menace...but it certainly didn't work. Eventually she just started using the confiscations/refusals like Ms.Buki mentioned and he got his act together. Its all about finding what works for both parent and child
ReplyDeleteParenting is not for the faint- hearted, so sad Prim got an ass whooping but i guess there are other methods of correction like TALKING!!!!. You have to create some kinda FRIEND ZONE outside the mother daughter relationship. From experience,My mum has been the BLACKIE CHAN of the FAMILY and dad the COOL DUDE coz he does alot of talking.when it comes to who i fear the most,its my dad coz i don`t know what he can do when he is mad but for mum i have seen it all plus her approach did not help..I know When you spare the ROD you spoil a child but a 3 year old is no more a baby and i guess TALKING should do the Trick....*LMAO @ you being scared your child might be like you*
ReplyDeletei agree a 3 year old is not a baby. if she doesn't want to use the cane, she can always do other punishments. Like scolding her or taking her favorite things. She needs to be firm though.
ReplyDeleteParenting is not joke.
Thanx a lot guys. Truth is, Princess is not stubborn, just not a push-over & major smart. I agree that discipline is really important. Come to think of it, I wasn't beaten 4most of my "episodes" sefs.
ReplyDelete@Honey: You're making a lot of sense actually. Mayb not cane & mayb not so hard so she won't leave marks on her body. Abara was my mom's way & just 1 usually did d trick.
@MsBuki, Sting, Che, LadyNgo& BSNC : it apparently makes Prim-not feel bad to beat plus we d emotional aunties really came down hard on her too. I'm liking d idea of confiscations, refusals and forbiddings. She has to learn who d boss is & Prim-not has to find d balance that works.
@stelzz, I agree, it's important to explain d reason ur beating/'disciplining'. Tot I was d only scared 1. I wasn't stubborn tho, just very very mishievoius & naughty.
@Mike, hmn, never tot about prayers. thanx 4dat
Didi: My house was like urs altho I was scared of my mom. My dad would tongue-lash you soo much dat I'll b tempted to say "enough dady pls just beat me already & leme go". I was really a handfull mehn. Always up to some mischief. My mom always said we'll all av a kid like us & my 2 sisters already av. Dat's y I'm major scared
Blessings.....
ReplyDeleteThe best think i can tell you about motherhood is to love your children as you love yourself. Support them as you support yourself. Let go of any preconceived ideas of who they will be based on how you parent them, what you did or did not do and remember there will come a time when they will make their own decision based on what they want, desire and need and it may be far from what you what or expect for them. You do not own your children, you were only choosen to guide their path, teach them how to reason, how to make difficult decisions, how to be accountable, how to advocate for theirselves until they are able to take over and hopefully implement all you have taught them in the right time, under the right circumstance in the right situation and if they misstep, make poor judgments (as we all do) that they are able to learn from it, pick their selves up and keep it moving.
The hardest part about parenting is watching helplessly as your child(ren) at times run their life into a ditch. Its hard to experience, its even worst to watch.
Think of it this way. It is the same mess the Divine Master that created us has to put up with us everyday and he loves us anyway.
peace
Toinlicious,
ReplyDeleteThanks for stalking my newbie as usual.
I think you would make a great mother esp if u dont agree to Olopa of proposal pt. 1 fame..lol... Its not a given that we will repeat the errors of our parents but our paths might not be so different though.
Thanks for the mention...
Parents have the duty to guide their children and the notion of showing them love should never come in between punishing them for whatever wrong they do!
ReplyDeleteHowever, it's all in finding a balance in the way punishments are meted out. I am also of that school of thought of spare the rod and spoil the child!
A three year old is no longer a baby and if SHE COULD REMEMBER TO REPORT THAT SHE WAS FLOGGED, SHE WOULD NEVER FORGET THAT SHE GOT AWAY WITH SOMETHINGS AND WILL CONTINUE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THOSE!
Children need to know who the boss is and learn to obey instructions but there should be balance. The fear to be beaten is often more of a deterrent than beating itself.
And parents, its YOUR DUTY to guide those children properly: scold them when they do wrong and flog them when the need arises.
maybe not with a cane and maybe not so hard but if she does not draw the boundary now, princess may think she can get away with anything
ReplyDeleteI feel for your sister, but discipline is a definite for any child. However, there are various options, like time out, grounding, withdrawal of favors, that kind of thing.
ReplyDeleteIt should comfort you to know that the feeling you are describing is not an uncommon one.The truth is it is scary to suddenly become responsible for another human being, and that is why it is important to graciously accept as much help and support as you can access.
ReplyDeleteSo trust yourself that you will learn what you need to know as you go along, and prepare for the onset of motherhood to be overwhelming and scary yes, but also exciting and intensely rewarding.
enjoyed this post and the many comments...I will definitely discipline my child although I am not sure what mode I will use. I do know that whatever I use I will end with an explanation of why I disciplined him or her an apology from my child and lots of hugs and kisses.
ReplyDeletehmm, well, here's what I'll say, your sister has to toughen up. Sorry. Some kids need to be 'reset': a little spanking to get them to calm down and behave. Trust me if I tell you stories of what my son Bomboy has done to me (or you can check some out at my mommy blog), your sister's mommyguilt will disappear.
ReplyDeleteAs long as discipline is coupled with even more love, everything is good. Maybe her husband (assuming there is one, haven't read through the blog sowwy) should step it up on the discipline front. At least the parts that are hard for your sis.
At the end of the day, it is her responsibility to ensure that princess grows into a beautiful young lady deserving of the title you have assigned her =) There is nothing worse than a bratty adult who lacks sense and would have been much better off getting his butt whupped a few times when he was younger.
Hope this makes sense, and please tell your sister not to cry. I have been there when you are struggling to find the right way to discipline a child. It takes time and significant commitment, but Princess will one day become a fantabulous lady due to the love and discipline her family gives her =)
(Sorry for the LOOONG comment)
Hmm, I have learnt so much reading through these beautiful comments, bless y'all.
ReplyDelete@Toinlicious: Thanks for sharing
your sister shouldn't feel like she is a bad person for beating her child. maybe she shouldn't use a cane and use something else. me i feel that kids need to be beaten at times cos they are just too smart for their own good. loll. nice blog Toinlicious.
ReplyDeletejust letting you know that i have added more info about my book please check it out and drop your comments.
www.secretlilies.blogspot.com
Wow,have learnt a lot here,u all re great
ReplyDeletefirstly ... LMAO that Jacob is worth going to jail for.. lol i totally agree lol, but her's over 18 so no jail time *happydance*
ReplyDeleteAnd secondly Kids these days are not kids.
But your sister should not apologies to her..
she should just remind her that she loves her but when she does something wrong, there would be consequences.
These days if you are not strict on a child from a young age, they will make you cry in the near future..
xx
My mom sure beat the living day light out of us when we were kids, infact these days when we want to crack her up, we start telling her stories of various unforgettable beatings we received from her back then. She used to be much more tougher because my dad just believed in loving the hell out of all of us with no discipline. But today we all still love the hell out of my mum because now we understand that we all turned out good because of how she brought us up by hand...lol. I think any girl whose mother is afraid to discipline her is in big trouble. I understand your sister's plight sha cuz I have an elder sister and I know how those can be soft-hearted. I used to manipulate my sis a lot cuz of her soft heart, and I guess your sister's kid is gonna finally use your sister's softheartednedd against her, if she doesn't toughen up. So she should just make up her mind on how to discipline the girl because as long as she loves her daughter, the girl is always going to be aware of that, thank God she's a smart one, that's an added bonus.lol
ReplyDeletePoor Sis of yours. But sincerely, I wouldn't feel bad for the beating, if I were her but may feel bad for the scar. Kids at some stage needs that. If my parents had been too soft with me, I am sure I wouldn't be where I am today... (tory for another day!) haha
ReplyDelete- LDP
I enjoyed the post and all the comments. A 3 year old is no longer a baby, and at that age they remember things. They are also at that stage where they are always testing you to see what they can get away with. She shouldn't feel bad cos she is disciplining her child. I see discipline as laying a good foundation. Without a good foundation no structure will last. The child should be taught that there are rules and boundaries and once crossed there are consequences. Parenting is not easy cos we love our kids so much and might find it difficult to discipline but I think it is that same love that should push us to do right and discipline them cos we want them to turn out well in the future.
ReplyDeleteaaww...Now I can relate with this - thats because I've got a 2yrs plus daughter who can be a nuaghty minx and at the same time a lovable sweetheart.
ReplyDeleteShe fears her Mum more than she fears me cuz her Mum spanks her when she goes way out of line. Usually its not to the extreme, just a light spanking and then she's allowed to cry for a while before her Mum comforts her and tries to explain why she spanked her. I join in and we shower her with love and treats. Minutes later shes laughing and having fun.
I think Prim-not may have spanked Princess too hard for a mark to appear on the child. She could still spank the child but on a lighter level then show her love and explain afterwards.
Don't be scared of motherhood...the moment you become pregnant, it becomes inborn. Your feelings change and your focus shifts from you to the baby...motherhood is wired in you. When the time comes you'll live it out. No need to be afraid...just have experienced mothers around you to take advice from.
@Rhapsody, nicely articulated. I guess all we need to do is be the best example and hope they follow the right path.
ReplyDelete@GM Aka Da Injurer, ur always welcome and i def wont be going that olopa route lol
@Emeka, i think you've wrapped it up nicely.
@Lue, yea, i got that too.
@Myne, i really like d idea of time-outs and withdrawal of favours and stuff like that. Hazel's latest post says it works like magic
@DblogEdition, hmn, i'm suddenly feeling so much better and my scared level is seriously dropping. I know it's not cakes but i'm gona be counting on lotsa help
@Nenyenwa, lol. that sounds like a gud plan. Def gona give lots of hugs and kisses and discipline.
@Solomonsydelle, lol @'reset'. i def loved the lobg comment. Your momy blog is turning out to be quite helpful. Her hubby is a softie too so i guess she has to be the tough one.
"There is nothing worse than a bratty adult who lacks sense and would have been much better off getting his butt whupped a few times when he was younger"- On point!
@Dayor, you're welcome luv and thanx for stopping by. I av learnt soo much from these wonderful ideas too.
@Tamuno (luv ur name), thanx and i'm gona go snooping on ur blog in a bit. Can't wait
@Anon, they all are aren't they?
@MsNana, *joiningthehappydance* Jacob is too yum #drooling.
ReplyDeleteok, so no apologies for d beating Princess just explanations. #Gorrit
Kid of these days are super smart truly.
@Sugarcoated, you sound exactly like me and ur house is pretty much like mine. Wen my mom pulls "the face" now i just burst out laughing and tell her those days have def passed.
@LDP, i sooooo wana hear those stories. Share pretty please #wink
@Okeoghene, tough love abi. You nailed it with "discipline is laying a good foundation. Without a good foundation no structure will last" I'm learning so much and my fear is seriously receding. Thanx for dropping by and following
@Afronuts, so ur a softie too, er well good thing ur wife is strict. I def have learnt a lot and i will be counting on advice from y'all wen my time comes.
so, bring on motherhood lol (still a teensy weeny scared tho but not as much as used to be)
I've been an 'aunty to three rumbunctious kids in the past 2 months. its been crazy trying to find a balance between Nanny mcphee, Smackmistress and Aunty the clown but I try. I do talk with/to them a lot. I am almost becoming a nag but we have reached the stage where i only threaten to smack and they do what they are supposed to do. Like someone said, do it with love. Your Sis shouldnt worry herself too much. She will forget in a week at least. And next time she tells her to do something, just threatening to get the cane will make her obey.
ReplyDelete@Ginger, thanx gurl. I'm learning so fast here
ReplyDeleteHey thanks for the comment!! ahw im kind of looking forward to motherhood x
ReplyDeleteI'm solidly of the school of thought which says that if your children did not hate you at some point in their lives, you didn't do a good job. Period.
ReplyDelete