OF OFFICE ETIQUETTE...

I am re-blogging this from Oroque's, the one and only cute twin i have on Blogsville. I had another gist post scheduled but this had to come first. The hilariously serious yet very apt way he wrote this just got me and i'm pretty sure we all have people like this around. This applies in every sphere of life and not just the office. Enjoy.

Hello 'guy that pisses on the toilet seat', i have decided that i am sick of your slovenly ways. after four years in this office, i have finally had it with the amount of gruesome lack of etiquette that you exude on a daily basis and your gross disregard for the comfort of other people who have to share common facilities in the office with you. I know you read my blog cos you've actually told me a couple of times, so here is hoping you see this. It's the least embarrassing way to say this to you without resorting to fisticuffs. There are a few things that you must change if you intend to get any respect from other colleagues as you are now famous for being a dirty, semi-literate duffus who breaks up group conversations by your mere presence:

1. The toilet seat can and should indeed be lifted if you want to pee: this advice is given first because it is what you are solely remembered by. Every time people cannot quickly recall your name, they say "the guy that pees on the toilet seat". so here is the deal, there are urinals and there are toilets. I would hate to gross other readers by specifying the difference and i'm hoping that by the sounds you can tell which is to be used for what. if for any reason you cannot use the urinals, please please please lift up the first movable seat on the toilet. I cannot count how many times we have had to use tissue to clean the seat of your droplets before we can go. no hand wash can erase the feeling afterwards...

2. Mouthwash has been invented: I'm not trying to out you or anything and you're not the only one with this small problem. in fact, it's a natural thing for many Nigerians considering our very healthy diet choices and not-so-top-notch oral hygiene...but what many of us do when we have been working for many hours at a stretch and have to go for a meeting or liaise with a colleague, is a quick dash to the gents, a quick gargle with mouthwash or a quick spray of breath freshener. I know that for guys it's hard to admit that you have this small issue and we would prefer to chuck it down to the 'who has time for that' sphere, but it can sometimes make things happen for you, or not.

3. There is such a thing as earphones: This is 2012 and we all have to share this open plan office. I know you're on your way to heaven with Kenny Rogers but please can you let me get some work done while you're on your journey? Yes, this world is not your home, but you still need to earn your monthly salary, and so do i. I kinda feel bad having to tell you to reduce the volume on the music player underneath your desk especially when you're playing "what a friend we have in Jesus" by Dolly Parton, cos i don't wanna seem like the enemy so please do us both a favour.

4. 'Ladies first' also applies to buffet finger foods during office meetings: I know you're going to pretend like this topic doesn't make sense to you. Oh, but it does. Remember the last office meeting we had in the board room, where they had laid out sandwiches, kebabs, and other such finger foods a.k.a small chops and how you were the first to rush to the table as soon as they declared it was coffee break? Not only did you not notice that most of the men sat until the ladies had queued up to help themselves, but you also insisted on having two pieces of almost everything on display. As if the general glares that followed you away from the table did not suffice, you had to go back again to queue after wolfing down the first batch until a lady mentioned that "this is not to substitute for your lunch o"...and this is when you clearly took offence. Like really? Well since we haven't had a moment to catch up since that unfortunate incident, this is to inform you that yes, ladies first also applies to the buffet table. For the future, this is the etiquette: you queue from left to right, you do not linger too long trying to make up your mind, you do not bend down to smell the food, and you take one piece of everything until everyone has had a chance to at least go one round. By applying this rule, i find that i never get any food whenever we have buffet finger foods but i hope that will change when you and your ilk begin to observe this.

5. Step away from a group when you have to take a call: This is clear, so no need to dwell on it. You're very loud when you're on the phone, and you laugh like a dying dog so can you please move away from generally shared areas (like your workstation maybe?) When you have to talk on the phone. Plus, it wasn't cool to hear you scolding your wife like that the other day, in English no less...left everyone feeling awkward, and trust me we will look at your wife like a hapless refugee whenever we eventually get to meet her. Before i forget, the speakerphone function is not for private conversations. You should not put your children on speakerphone when they are on holiday with all the screaming in the background, or your wife when she is in the market and that applies to your mechanic, mother and anyone who is not discussing work related matters with you in a quiet environment.

6. Horseplay is punishable in many work spaces: Okay, i may have to explain this one. Horse play means any shoving, pushing, jumping on lockers, play punching, or other disruptive physical contact with another person. So, here's how it works. except you're close friends with a colleague, don't get into their personal space. Don't hold women by the waist, don't put men in a play choke hold from behind, don't punch people or tap the back of their heads, don't grab peoples legs as they climb the stairs in front of you and definitely don't pat their backs when they're having lunch. I know this is not exhaustive but that hope you get the picture. Treat people like absolute strangers until they invite you to touch them. I would have referred you to an article on 'personal buffer zones' but that would stretching it.

7. Treat your boss with respect: I know you've been having it rough with your boss for the past four years. I notice how irritated he is whenever he has to speak to you and how short tempered he appears to only you. You've even asked me once how i get him to be so friendly with me. Here's the trick. I never call my boss from across the room. Yes, we use the American system of calling everyone by their first names, but screaming their name down a corridor after they have turned a corner is not very smart. Secondly, i sometimes allow your boss to be right. Yes, i know it doesn't make sense to just nod, take fake notes and say okay when i clearly have already included his points in the letter he is asking me to go and re-write, but sometimes it helps manage the perception that you are unduly argumentative and always wanting to prove a point. Finally, i don't sneak out after work especially knowing your boss only gets around to doing the mail rounds by 5pm. it's a sign of maturity to adjust your closing time to suit business needs and not run off without saying goodnight only to avoid working late.

I do hope you will take heed to these urgings, and that someday you will thank me for saving your social life and maybe even your career. If not, oh well, you cannot be worse off than you already are anyway. See you around, and i hope my days of wiping the toilet seat after you are over.

Your colleague (friend would be stretching it a tad), RQ

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 P.S: 2012 Awards nomination time. This is the first time i'm doing this so biko, head on over HERE and nominate me for Best Personal Blog and Best Humour Blog (shebi most of una say i dey make una laff ba? Time to nominate me biko.

Thanks for always coming by.

Kisses

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