SOME FAMILIES DO HAVE THEM

So my aunt was over for the weekend and she was her usual mischievous self. We started making small talk and she asked how my friends, especially ‘John’ and IK were doing. I told her “fine” with a small smile.

“When was the last time you saw John?” she asked.

“It’s been a while” I replied.

“And he hasn’t been asking after me?” she added

I didn’t reply. I just smiled.

***

You see, my aunt is one of those weird people who crack you up without even meaning to. She just has a way with her. There was a time I followed her to a prayer group she recently joined. All the women were told to pray about their husbands against Lagos big babes who steal other people’s husbands with ‘jazz’. My aunt was just looking around, watching the other women pray as if heaven would fall…as in, serious prayers. Another lady noticed she wasn’t praying and moved close to her.

“Madam Bee, how come your not praying?” the woman asked

“There’s no need for prayers jere. Nobody would dare snatch my husband” The woman gave my aunt an incredulous look like she was deranged. Is this woman high on dusting powder; the woman’s look seemed to say.

“What do you mean nobody can take your husband. Don’t you know how these girls operate ni? Even if your husband doesn’t want to do, those girls will make him do with ‘jazz’”

My aunty insisted that no one would dare snatch her husband. The woman kept trying to convince my aunt to just do the prayer but she refused.

“Ok, where does he work?” The woman asked

“Ikoyi” my aunt replied.

“Ah! Ikoyi is even one of their target places! Madam, I think you should just do the prayer. E ma sobe o! Awon omo onisokoto tinrin yen ma ni? (Meaning, don’t say that! It’s those thin-trouser-legged girls) Ok where exactly at Ikoyi?”

And my aunt replied with “Ikoyi Cemetery.”

She lost her husband about 6years before.

The woman just gave her look and started smiling and shaking her head.

***

So when she asked if John had not been asking after her, I knew better than to reply.

The first time she met him was at my house. He called me when he got to the gate to let me know he was around. I was coming out of the room when I saw her going to get the gate. I followed her but she got to the gate first. He came in and the first thing she asked was. “Why are you hitting the gate? Shebi you’re tall, why didn’t you just jump over the fence?

She wasn’t smiling and my friend looked really uncomfortable. She quizzed him again and he mumbled something about the fence being too tall. My aunt laughed and said “So you would have jumped abi? I would have screamed “Ole!” (Thief) hehehe. I just pitied the poor boy.

As if that was not enough, she asked for the church he attends. He answered with “Baptist”

“So what’s your English name? John or Mark?” she asked

“I don’t have any ma” he replied.

“Then John it is” she said with a mischievous smile.

And John it has been since that day.

That is my aunt people.

Some families do have them.

Thanks for reading. Muah

I’ll be back.