Thursday, 23 June 2011


We are gathered here in the presence of God and men to join these people in holy matrimony. We know they have been sleeping together in secret but now they can do it with the knowledge of everyone. And as marriage is holy, at least in theory, I put it forth that if there is anyone in this gathering who has a valid reason why these two should not be joined, speak now or forever hold your peace.
Anyone.....Is there anyone.....? C'mon, he must have slept with some of you? Someone....? Anyone....? I know someone here has slept with her too? Well, I guess they were all one night stands.

Moving on swiftly. Mr Groom, do you take this woman as your lawfully wedded bride, to love to cherish and to hold, to listen to her whinning halfway through the night, always suck up to her father, to always lose an argument or else...,to give all your pay without reservations, to be the worker while she is the minister of finance, to ignore your relatives while taking care of hers, to listen to unending lies about her having a headache when you really need to release steam, put up with PMS...Sometimes faked... till death do you part?
(I do?.....)
Very well. And do you Miss Bride, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love to cherish and to hold, to open your legs for whether tired, or not, whether willing or not. To cook for, clean up after, give up watching soaps and anything interesting when there is football, find the toilet seat up every time, Clean pee off it, take care of kids alone, house his in laws, bring beers for his friends during any important game for all the days of your life?
(I do? .... )

Well then, there's nothing more that I can say that will change your minds .. I pronounce you husband and wife. What God has joined together, let no man, neighbour, handsome workmate, barmaid, beer brand, ex's, in-laws, milkman, shamba-boy, wet dreams, driver or sexy secretary put asunder.
You may kiss the bride..
NB: You gotta love this preist. At least he warned them well. Nothing like "i never knew this was the ish i was getting myself into" lol