Wednesday 28 September 2011


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So my sister, Prim finally relocated to another continent and I miss her already.  I miss her twins, my adorable Timberly and Kimberly; Tim and Kim for short. Timberly sounds weird right? I know but trust me, the name exists. I googled it lol. I actually gave Prim the options of Trisha and Keisha or Kimberly and Kourtney but my other sister, Prim-not Shecrazy, the crazy one said Timberly sounded better since it flowed more with Kimberly so we agreed on Tim and Kim. Prim hasn’t agreed though but in my head, those are their names. At least we didn’t suggest Harper Seven and Audio Science (yea, Audio science is a real name. I googled that too lol) I just hope these ones call me ‘Aunty’ because my other nieces don’t and I know it’s intentional. Each time their mom says “it’s not toinlicious, its aunty toinlicious" My adorable lil monster niece would say "No, its toiiinnlicious" so I’ve basically given up. I’m gona miss my playful and toothy Tim and my divalicious, chatty and smiley Kim so much.

I’ve been feeling all sorts; mixed feelings mostly. I’m extremely happy then I’m sad, then I’m giddy then I’m wary. I’m mostly happy though. Prim’s always been the adult in the house as far back as I can remember; always the big sister despite the fact that she's just a couple of years older...ok, more than a couple but who's counting lol. I remember she used to give me her money during break and she always told me to bring back her change even when pops gave us same amount to school. Hehehe. There was this hot and delicious pie I usually bought with my pocket money as soon as popsy’s car drove off. I was a handful back in them days. I also used to pity her when she had to teach me math. I was just never interested and I was very vocal so you can imagine, rebel like me but she never gave up on me. She must have loved me because I wasn’t easy.

Anyways, Prim has always been the prim and proper miss conservative with a lil streak of crazy. She was always good at dishing out duties and making me mix butter and sugar when making cakes, telling me to shut up when my chatter got too much (like I would shut up mshew. You're stuck with me for life mehn. I mean, if I wasn’t talking, the whole clan would be worried there was something wrong with precious toinlicious). I was actually a lil in awe of her for a long time because I always thought of her as perfect. Perfect looks, perfect scores, perfect course, perfect job, perfect babies, perfect everything. Med school didn’t give her a lot of free time so we didn’t have a lot of bonding time but we tried as much as we could. In the last couple of years, especially the past year, we have been seriously bonding so you can imagine how I felt when I realized the count-down had started and she had to leave. I spent as much time as i could afford with her and my cutie twins.

There’s a Yoruba saying about 20 kids not playing for 20 years, too true. It's just weird for me that I can’t just pack my bags and give her a call telling her I’m coming for the weekend. I told myself I wasn’t gona cry. I mean, how could I cry, emi big gurl with lots of attitude. In fact, I was the one telling everyone to 'park well' o. I wasn’t gona entertain water-works at all. Prim is our ever ready water-works. You can just snap your fingers and the tears come flowing, every time. I mean E.V.E.R.Y.T.I.M.E. I harassed my parents too; no tears people! My dad especially (he cried when two of my siblings were going for service at the same time; Sokoto and Kebbi. Don’t mind the yeye NYSC people. They just placed them in the far north, side by side)

So at the airport, when she was finally about to board, I didn’t watch her go. I met a school mate that I hadn’t seen in a while and the guy kept up a steady chatter that I didn’t pay much attention to but was good for a diversionary tactic so I didn’t see her leave eventually. I had to keep up my rep as the ‘iwin’ (bush baby) who never cries. I was feeling so proud of myself for not crying when I saw Prim-not with teary red eyes and I almost lost my rep. When I got back home, it actually hit me. I mean, this is it. She’s not coming back after two months. I mean, thank God for technology and all and i know I’ll go visiting but it’s not the same you know. So I let a few water works loose sha can u imagine I didn’t even take any of Prim-not’s stuff which is veerrryyy unusual for me. I always stole took something from her. It’s like a tradition.

I’m gona miss Prim, especially our conversations.
Me: Aunty Prim, how now? (I never call her aunty lol)
Prim: Who’s your aunty? Why are you calling me aunty?  What do you want? Whatever it is sef, I don’t have” hehehe. Smh.

Stealing her stuff was so much fun.I wonder who’s gona be getting me out of trouble. Crap. Means I have to grow up. Most of all, I’m gona miss her cooking. She is hands down the bestest cook everrrr. Maybe 9ja foodie shuld cook for me sha so I’ll be entirely sure. I have issues with food but when she makes them, I shock myself with the quantity I eat. I don’t know if she’ll read this but I did not cry at the airport o. *tongue out*

P.S:  Eh! See epistle! This was supposed to be a short post o. Sorry people, I love the babe ni and I’m gona miss her.

Tuesday 13 September 2011


So my aunt was over for the weekend and she was her usual mischievous self. We started making small talk and she asked how my friends, especially ‘John’ and IK were doing. I told her “fine” with a small smile.
“When was the last time you saw John?” she asked.
“It’s been a while” I replied.
“And he hasn’t been asking after me?” she added
I didn’t reply. I just smiled.

You see, my aunt is one of those weird people who crack you up without even meaning to. She just has a way with her. There was a time I followed her to a prayer group she recently joined. All the women were told to pray about their husbands against Lagos big babes who steal other people’s husbands with ‘jazz’. My aunt was just looking around, watching the other women pray as if heaven would fall…as in, serious prayers. Another lady noticed she wasn’t praying and moved close to her.
“Madam Bee, how come your not praying?” the woman asked
“There’s no need for prayers jere. Nobody would dare snatch my husband” The woman gave my aunt an incredulous look like she was deranged. Is this woman high on dusting powder; the woman’s look seemed to say.
“What do you mean nobody can take your husband. Don’t you know how these girls operate ni? Even if your husband doesn’t want to do, those girls will make him do with ‘jazz’”
My aunty insisted that no one would dare snatch her husband. The woman kept trying to convince my aunt to just do the prayer but she refused.
“Ok, where does he work?” The woman asked
“Ikoyi” my aunt replied.
“Ah! Ikoyi is even one of their target places! Madam, I think you should just do the prayer. E ma sobe o! Awon omo onisokoto tinrin yen ma ni? (Meaning, don’t say that! It’s those thin-trouser-legged girls) Ok where exactly at Ikoyi?”
And my aunt replied with “Ikoyi Cemetery.”
She lost her husband about 6years before.
The woman just gave her look and started smiling and shaking her head.

So when she asked if John had not been asking after her, I knew better than to reply.
The first time she met him was at my house. He called me when he got to the gate to let me know he was around. I was coming out of the room when I saw her going to get the gate. I followed her but she got to the gate first. He came in and the first thing she asked was. “Why are you hitting the gate? Shebi you’re tall, why didn’t you just jump over the fence?
She wasn’t smiling and my friend looked really uncomfortable. She quizzed him again and he mumbled something about the fence being too tall. My aunt laughed and said “So you would have jumped abi? I would have screamed “Ole!” (Thief) hehehe. I just pitied the poor boy.
As if that was not enough, she asked for the church he attends. He answered with “Baptist”
“So what’s your English name? John or Mark?” she asked
“I don’t have any ma” he replied.
“Then John it is” she said with a mischievous smile.
And John it has been since that day.
That is my aunt people.
Some families do have them.
Thanks for reading. Muah
I’ll be back.