I DON’T LIKE MY MOM

…I adore her.

Do you remember my crazy aunt? Well today, I'm dedicating this post to her sister; my mama. Can I get a whoohoo! My mom is an interesting woman and by interesting, I mean crazy sweet! She’s cool, loves to dance, tres funny and there is never a dull moment with her. We (the kids) joke that she’s a detective. She doesn’t ask about stuff, she usually just “knows” them. I swear she has some freaky telepathic skills. She’s emotional but also the strongest woman I know. My mom is one of those people that you know will walk on hot coals to get you what you need even if she doesn’t know you from Adam. She can be mean…oh, yes, very mean but she is also incredibly sweet. Growing up, i didn’t like her (never mind that I was very naughty interesting, only that my idea of interesting wasn't same as hers #shrugs) It took us about 15years to finally bond. Something major happened and it brought us close and made me understand her. Took us a while but we're there. She’s still stubborn but I won't have her any other way. Although we are like peas in a pod, we still fight like crazy because we alike in many ways.

My mom is incredibly restless with truckloads of energy. She grabs a broom to sweep & I raise my legs. Rude right? I know but what’s the use of collecting the broom from her to help when I know she'll be re-sweeping the same place in 2secs flat? So you see. And most times we have 2 house-helps but my mom is always busy doing something in the house and after exhausting herself, she'll go "o ti remi" (I’m tired) smh.

My mother is hip. Very hip. Too hip for my liking sometimes. When i was a teenager, she used to buy me Hints and Hearts magazines. I love that I can gist with her about practically anything. She loves F.r.i.e.n.d.s (her fav is Rachael), Desperate Housewives, Grey’s anatomy, Mentalist, Africa Magic, Big brother Africa, Style Network, E! and all of that. She knows Mcdreamy, Kim K, Beyonce, Lady gaga, Will Smith, Jada (she was the one that told me about their rumoured break-up)...you get the drift. She thinks Darey is hot (her words O_O) and all other creepy 21st century stuff. I know I might have influenced her a little but I promise this is not all me because, one, you really can't make my mom do what she doesn't want to do and two, even though I adore his voice, i don’t think Darey’s that hot (please don’t bite me). I sometimes wish she was like most moms who fall asleep while watching News or something. When I got all 10 seasons of F.r.i.e.n.d.s, she would complain about how the studio laugh turned her off the show. By the time I got to season 3, she would tell me to allow her finish whatever she was doing before watching. We were like 2kids with our favourite guilty pleasure. It was hilarious to watch how she'll hurry & balance in front of the TV and go "oya" lol.

During the holidays, when we were teenagers, my mom would scream for us to wake up every morning which wasn’t fun at all considering all we wanted to do was sleep till the food was ready or something. Anyways, we usually ignored her until she found a very effective way to wake us up. My mom would come into the room and touch our boobs. That always worked like magic. lol

She’s begging me at the moment not to share this story but I’m ‘un-bribable’ at this point lol. One evening, she complained that she felt someone had cheated her. She went to a friend’s shop and a lady who sells stuff in bulk came so she bought something from her. She usually buys in bulk but she just decided to buy one from her. She apparently forgot how much she bought the stuff the last time she did but when she asked the lady how much it was, she suspected the lady inflated the price. She however told the lady that i sent her so if I complained, she was going to return it. The lady agreed and she paid. When she got home, she compared it to the packs at home and discovered it was the same. She then told my sister (Prim) and I what happened. We opened the stuff and it tasted same. Apparently, she was shortchanged for about N200. We just told her not to worry about since it was just N200 but unknown to us, she had other plans.

The following day, my mom went back to where she usually buys in bulk; got the stuff for less, took it to her friend’s shop and requested for the lady. When the lady appeared, she returned the stuff (with the new one she bought) and told the lady that I didn’t like that particular flavor so she was refunded. And that is my mama y’all. No dulling at all. lol

My mom is a book worm and i guess she passed that on to me. She had stacks of books so when my hunger for books started; I had enough to fix my addiction. About two years ago, a friend wrote a book and I took it home. My mother collected it and read it in 24hours, even before I did. She’s amazing. She’ll probably never read this (unless it gets into a book of course) but I’d like to say this, I may not like you all the time but remember that I love you always. Thanks mom, for being the absolute best and for giving me the gift of life. To those who have lost theirs, I’m sure they’re in a better place and watching over us.

Happy mother’s day everyone.

P.S: I wrote this Yesterday.

LAST WORKING DAY AND THANKFUL NOTES

Photo source: Google images

Last Friday was my last day of work for 2011 so yay me! I was decked in native with my nicely configured head-tie and looking gorg. (I know you’ll say #humblemuch but it’s true). I got my Christmas package and bonus too. I’m so excited but I don’t actually have any concrete plans yet but I’m sure I’m going to have fun. My current plan includes lots of sleep, movies, food, more sleep and more movies and more food lol. The fact that I don’t have to wake up early for the next one month except if I decide to, rocks!

I’m grateful that I’ve had a pretty good year. Some ups and downs as usual but the ups seriously trump the downs. Even in d midst of chaos, God was faithful and I’ve been able to smile through it all. I’ve definitely made good on some of my plans for 2011 and I’m glad I kept to my resolutions. I’m thankful to God for the gift of life because I cannot begin to recount how many bombings, accidents, rapes, suicides, kidnappings etc I have heard about this year. A lot of young people also died this year and none of my family or closest friends did and for that, I am truly thankful. My heart goes out to those who lost family and friends and I pray that the grace of God will be with us wherever and whenever we need it and may He also give us the strength to move on. (ojo a jina sira won) I have a lot of reasons to be thankful which are too many but below are some of them.

·        The air I breathe which many people take for granted. Some people need oxygen mask to breathe.

·        The bills I pay even if they’re minor like phone and DSTV bills.

·        The water I drink even though I think it’s tasteless and always go for BerryBlast instead which I’ve been told several times isn’t healthy.

·        The fact that I can open my eyes in the morning and see the harmattan mist and the way my mom has arranged stuff I warned her not to touch.

·        My functional nose even if it perceives the bad breathe of the person next to me and my colleague’s perfume that makes me sneeze.

·        I’m thankful for the hands typing this and blogging among other things. A lot of people are quadriplegic.

·        I’m thankful that I can feel my boobs. If you also can feel all your body parts, you have no idea how lucky you are. I don’t know how Guiliana Rancic feels at the moment but I pray she’s okay and God will ease her fears and pain.

·        I’m thankful for my job for thousands are jobless even if it means working with difficult bitches and ass wipes people I don’t sometimes agree with.

·        I’m thankful for all my ‘toasters’ even if some are 20years old and make me feel like a cougar.

·        I’m thankful for my smile which I consider my best feature. I swear, it’s infectious and melts hearts. I just smile and people get addicted. They can’t help it. My smile is that potent lol.

·        I’m thankful for my personality. I don’t dwell on things I can’t change so I focus on the things I can and let God deal with the rest. I’m also an extrovert and I seem to make people laugh and feel better despite life’s challenges that I deal with everyday. I don’t know how that is but I’m thankful for that too

·        I’m thankful that i finally learnt how to drive and it feels good. I even have a sharp retort for every messed-up driver who crosses me. I’m gangster like that lol. I’m sure I’m pretty good but you don’t wan to be my passenger. Not just yet.

·        I’m thankful for good health. I went to University Teaching Hospital (UCH) and met a lady who had an Okada accident about two months ago. She was on an okada and a car hit them from behind. She’s now paraplegic and she’s been inconsolable ever since. I did everything I could to reassure her that God has a reason for everything and it’ll be fine. We talked for over one hour and I finally got her to smile and even laugh out loud several times and we exchanged numbers. When I left her bed-side, her mom gave me a big bear hug and I understood every unspoken word. As I was passing the nurse’s station, a Nurse stopped me to say “what you did today was wonderful, thank you”; I felt like I won a lottery. The world could be so much better if we all did something for the next person. I’ve spoken to people who think they have to be a certain age with lots of money to give back to the society but sometimes a look, a smile, a hug or a word is enough. Anything and I mean A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G can happen in a minute. We most times don’t get a perspective of how precious life is until it’s too late. If you want something, don’t wait. Go for it. This is the only life you have and the next minute is not guaranteed. Make every minute count for good. People may forget what you said or did but they will never forget how you made them feel.

·        I’m thankful for my friends who make me laugh when life throws me mean curves. RK and Mo are amazing. RK’s always there when I need him and he always has my back. Mo is just awesome. She says I inspire her but she has no idea how much she inspires me. My mom actually thinks she’s the prettiest thing. (Whose side is my mom supposed to be on anyways? I mean, considering the fact that I look like her you would think she’ll be on mine) Mo also claims I am crazy but I think she is. Or maybe our crazies are rubbing off on each other. I’ll post one of our conversations so you’ll know the crazy is not all me. Did I just admit to being crazy? Oh well.

·        I’m thankful for my family. I talk about them constantly (like you haven’t noticed) and I couldn’t have wished for any better. We have this Mafia-like bond going on. I tell Prim-not a secret and make her promise not to tell anyone and Prim calls me 15minutes later to ask me for the details of the secret because Prim-not just gave her the basics of my supposed secret smh. I think my brother and mom were sent to this world to annoy me but I love them all the same because they’re amazing. When we’re all home, it’s always a certified mad-house fun-house. Each time I tell Prim “I love you” she goes all suspicious and asks what I want and when I tell Prim-not same; she asks if I’m trying to “dagbere” (give a farewell). They are not getting rid of me that easily mehn besides I have this endless bucket list. I’m thankful for my Prime brother in-law (daddy factor) and my Paddiest in-law who are just the ‘bestest’. My nieces; Princess, Angel, Tim and Kim who make my life more colourful than the rainbow. I don’t even understand how I can love them this much but I do and I’m thankful for that.

·        I’m thankful for my blog family. I’ve not met any of you personally but I love you guys you have no idea. I feel as if we’ve been friends since forever. I read anonymously for a long time before deciding on starting mine. I however procrastinated for so long until it eventually entered my resolution and here we are; 60 followers and counting. It’s been wonderful and I love you guys. I’m not giving a farewell speech because I intend to be around for much longer God willing. (Y’all aren’t getting rid of me that easily either).

Finally, as this year comes to an end, the only thing I ask from God is Favour. If life decides to hand me a dirty stinky he-goat, I’ll ask Prim, 9ja foodie and Lohi o, Myne (even Coy Introvert has some extroverted culinary skills mehn) for pointers and make a badass Isi-Ewu, Suya, Kebab and everything nice you can make with goat-meat and ask life: whatchagondobouurit huh? Or want some?

MOTHERHOOD

Photo source: http://elev8.com/world/orethawinston/what-is-mothers-day/

 

Motherhood scares me. I honestly can’t wait to have kids but if they turn out to be anything like me, I'm in trouble because they'll drive me nuts#nojokes. I think motherhood has to be hands-down the hardest/trickiest job ever. The idea that my child will be totally dependent on me and my decisions (@least until s/he's old enough to start making them) scares me. I mean, what if I do something wrong and it's ingrained in her/his memory? #shaking it off.

I recently started appreciating my mom for my growing-up years because she was of the spare the rod and spoil the child school of thought. For a long time, I just wondered why she hated me (never mind that I was the naughtiest & most mischievous minx around) I just wanted her to be more like my dad who wouldn't beat you even after you re-painted a newly painted house with charcoal (you know the one you get from after-party burnt wood). I didn't do that by the way (ok so maybe I did but that's a post for another day). My sister however took 100% after my dad and she’s a total softie when it comes to kids. She just cannot help herself. She always wanted to be a full housewife with like 6 kids. She still does but the reality of life is not in favour so far.

Anyway, my sister, Prim-not had a fight with Princess; her 3yr old baby. Princess is one very naughty minx and they say she takes after me. I've seen Prim-not scold her lots of times and I usually manage to keep a straight face so I don't burst out laughing when she goes “Why did you do that? Are you a baby?” and Princess answers with “No” (I'm always tempted to tell Princess to say “of course I am mommy” lol). In my books, a 3year old is still a baby. So what happened was Prim-not noticed that anytime she is around the house, Princess would not touch her home work. Last Saturday, Prim-not decided to help Princess with her home work & Princess started playing around so my sister brought out the dreaded cane & threatened to beat her but Princess still refused so Prim-not beat her; one on the back. Princess of course cried and eventually finished the homework. A few minutes after, my sister noticed a small cane mark on Princess's back and felt so horrible she cried too. She then apologises to Princess; explaining why she beat her. They settle and that was that...or so my sister thought.

While at work on Monday, the nanny called Prim-not to tell her that Princess just told her that “My mommy beat me o”. My sister was devastated. She felt so bad she started crying at work (she's water works too). A colleague saw her crying and asked why and she spilled. The guy, who had never met Princess but had seen pictures, told her not to worry about it but she still felt bad. Now, two things worry her.

1) Princess is apparently becoming an adult and has passed the age where she forgets stuff.

2) Prim-not thinks she may be turning into our mom.

Later in the day, she called me to report herself and my mom heard us talking & told me to cut the phone so she could tongue-lash my sister which she did. As if that wasn't bad enough, the radio program on her way home was about parents who beat their kids. Now here's the deal, she is definitely not a child beater but it happened once and she has vowed to throw the cane away and revert to her usual scolding. Thing is, how does she make up and explain to the obviously smart baby who apparently did not forget the incident. Prim-not doesn't want Princess to start thinking "mommy hates me" or stuff like that. So my lovelies, please let me know what you think.

P.S: Please check out Gistmerchant’s blog. He's kinda new to blogville.

P.S.S: The part II of my proposals dilemma coming up shortly.

I MISS YOU

Picture Source: www.myorkutglitter.com

So my sister, Prim finally relocated to another continent and I miss her already.  I miss her twins, my adorable Timberly and Kimberly; Tim and Kim for short. Timberly sounds weird right? I know but trust me, the name exists. I googled it lol. I actually gave Prim the options of Trisha and Keisha or Kimberly and Kourtney but my other sister, Prim-not Shecrazy, the crazy one said Timberly sounded better since it flowed more with Kimberly so we agreed on Tim and Kim. Prim hasn’t agreed though but in my head, those are their names. At least we didn’t suggest Harper Seven and Audio Science (yea, Audio science is a real name. I googled that too lol) I just hope these ones call me ‘Aunty’ because my other nieces don’t and I know it’s intentional. Each time their mom says “it’s not toinlicious, its aunty toinlicious" My adorable lil monster niece would say "No, its toiiinnlicious" so I’ve basically given up. I’m gona miss my playful and toothy Tim and my divalicious, chatty and smiley Kim so much.

I’ve been feeling all sorts; mixed feelings mostly. I’m extremely happy then I’m sad, then I’m giddy then I’m wary. I’m mostly happy though. Prim’s always been the adult in the house as far back as I can remember; always the big sister despite the fact that she's just a couple of years older...ok, more than a couple but who's counting lol. I remember she used to give me her money during break and she always told me to bring back her change even when pops gave us same amount to school. Hehehe. There was this hot and delicious pie I usually bought with my pocket money as soon as popsy’s car drove off. I was a handful back in them days. I also used to pity her when she had to teach me math. I was just never interested and I was very vocal so you can imagine, rebel like me but she never gave up on me. She must have loved me because I wasn’t easy.

Anyways, Prim has always been the prim and proper miss conservative with a lil streak of crazy. She was always good at dishing out duties and making me mix butter and sugar when making cakes, telling me to shut up when my chatter got too much (like I would shut up mshew. You're stuck with me for life mehn. I mean, if I wasn’t talking, the whole clan would be worried there was something wrong with precious toinlicious). I was actually a lil in awe of her for a long time because I always thought of her as perfect. Perfect looks, perfect scores, perfect course, perfect job, perfect babies, perfect everything. Med school didn’t give her a lot of free time so we didn’t have a lot of bonding time but we tried as much as we could. In the last couple of years, especially the past year, we have been seriously bonding so you can imagine how I felt when I realized the count-down had started and she had to leave. I spent as much time as i could afford with her and my cutie twins.

There’s a Yoruba saying about 20 kids not playing for 20 years, too true. It's just weird for me that I can’t just pack my bags and give her a call telling her I’m coming for the weekend. I told myself I wasn’t gona cry. I mean, how could I cry, emi big gurl with lots of attitude. In fact, I was the one telling everyone to 'park well' o. I wasn’t gona entertain water-works at all. Prim is our ever ready water-works. You can just snap your fingers and the tears come flowing, every time. I mean E.V.E.R.Y.T.I.M.E. I harassed my parents too; no tears people! My dad especially (he cried when two of my siblings were going for service at the same time; Sokoto and Kebbi. Don’t mind the yeye NYSC people. They just placed them in the far north, side by side)

So at the airport, when she was finally about to board, I didn’t watch her go. I met a school mate that I hadn’t seen in a while and the guy kept up a steady chatter that I didn’t pay much attention to but was good for a diversionary tactic so I didn’t see her leave eventually. I had to keep up my rep as the ‘iwin’ (bush baby) who never cries. I was feeling so proud of myself for not crying when I saw Prim-not with teary red eyes and I almost lost my rep. When I got back home, it actually hit me. I mean, this is it. She’s not coming back after two months. I mean, thank God for technology and all and i know I’ll go visiting but it’s not the same you know. So I let a few water works loose sha can u imagine I didn’t even take any of Prim-not’s stuff which is veerrryyy unusual for me. I always stole took something from her. It’s like a tradition.

I’m gona miss Prim, especially our conversations.

Me: Aunty Prim, how now? (I never call her aunty lol)

Prim: Who’s your aunty? Why are you calling me aunty?  What do you want? Whatever it is sef, I don’t have” hehehe. Smh.

Stealing her stuff was so much fun.I wonder who’s gona be getting me out of trouble. Crap. Means I have to grow up. Most of all, I’m gona miss her cooking. She is hands down the bestest cook everrrr. Maybe 9ja foodie shuld cook for me sha so I’ll be entirely sure. I have issues with food but when she makes them, I shock myself with the quantity I eat. I don’t know if she’ll read this but I did not cry at the airport o. *tongue out*

P.S:  Eh! See epistle! This was supposed to be a short post o. Sorry people, I love the babe ni and I’m gona miss her.

SOME FAMILIES DO HAVE THEM

So my aunt was over for the weekend and she was her usual mischievous self. We started making small talk and she asked how my friends, especially ‘John’ and IK were doing. I told her “fine” with a small smile.

“When was the last time you saw John?” she asked.

“It’s been a while” I replied.

“And he hasn’t been asking after me?” she added

I didn’t reply. I just smiled.

***

You see, my aunt is one of those weird people who crack you up without even meaning to. She just has a way with her. There was a time I followed her to a prayer group she recently joined. All the women were told to pray about their husbands against Lagos big babes who steal other people’s husbands with ‘jazz’. My aunt was just looking around, watching the other women pray as if heaven would fall…as in, serious prayers. Another lady noticed she wasn’t praying and moved close to her.

“Madam Bee, how come your not praying?” the woman asked

“There’s no need for prayers jere. Nobody would dare snatch my husband” The woman gave my aunt an incredulous look like she was deranged. Is this woman high on dusting powder; the woman’s look seemed to say.

“What do you mean nobody can take your husband. Don’t you know how these girls operate ni? Even if your husband doesn’t want to do, those girls will make him do with ‘jazz’”

My aunty insisted that no one would dare snatch her husband. The woman kept trying to convince my aunt to just do the prayer but she refused.

“Ok, where does he work?” The woman asked

“Ikoyi” my aunt replied.

“Ah! Ikoyi is even one of their target places! Madam, I think you should just do the prayer. E ma sobe o! Awon omo onisokoto tinrin yen ma ni? (Meaning, don’t say that! It’s those thin-trouser-legged girls) Ok where exactly at Ikoyi?”

And my aunt replied with “Ikoyi Cemetery.”

She lost her husband about 6years before.

The woman just gave her look and started smiling and shaking her head.

***

So when she asked if John had not been asking after her, I knew better than to reply.

The first time she met him was at my house. He called me when he got to the gate to let me know he was around. I was coming out of the room when I saw her going to get the gate. I followed her but she got to the gate first. He came in and the first thing she asked was. “Why are you hitting the gate? Shebi you’re tall, why didn’t you just jump over the fence?

She wasn’t smiling and my friend looked really uncomfortable. She quizzed him again and he mumbled something about the fence being too tall. My aunt laughed and said “So you would have jumped abi? I would have screamed “Ole!” (Thief) hehehe. I just pitied the poor boy.

As if that was not enough, she asked for the church he attends. He answered with “Baptist”

“So what’s your English name? John or Mark?” she asked

“I don’t have any ma” he replied.

“Then John it is” she said with a mischievous smile.

And John it has been since that day.

That is my aunt people.

Some families do have them.

Thanks for reading. Muah

I’ll be back.

GROWING UP

So a friend sent me a bbm message yesterday about our childhood escapades and I laughed so hard, I almost pissed my pants. I mean seriously, I had an interesting childhood. Remember the Alo Apamo and Alo apagbes; our very own tales by moonlight. I can’t even remember most of the stories but I do remember “ijapa” (the tortoise) used to be the most mischievous culprit of most of the stories. I just wish there was a more formal form of documentation of stuff so we could pass on information properly to the young ones. I know there are some books but I don’t know if they are made compulsory in schools. I can almost see children asking what you use “Alo” for 3o years from now. I honestly wish I had a journal for everyday of my life since I was born. Here is the bbm message

“If as a child, you didn't eat okin biscuit, alata biscuit, coaster biscuit, gogo, sisi pelebe, chocomilo, baba dudu, goodygoody, big bite, oyakaka, Nasco wafers, kokoro, condensed milk, m&k, pako biscuit, ptit, eyin alangba, ekona gowon; or drink- solo coke, Krest, Fanta chapman, lolly, fan ice, black currant, tree top, tandi, afri cola; or watch, Spiderman, superted, robin hood, tom and jerry, voltron, power rangers, danger mouse, sesame street (lol) tales by moon light, Speak out, Erin ke ke, village headmaster, Bata wahala, Feyi kogbon, Behind the clouds, The new masquerade, checkmate, Mirror in the sun, Days of rage, Palace, Supple blues, jaguar, kunta kunte, Dr Who, Rentaghost, the rich also cry, secret of the sand, wild rose, No one but you, Isaura the slave girl; or read Ali & Simbi, Eze goes to school, Sugar girl, Sade and her Friends, Second Chance, Time changes yesterday (kofoworola Odu lol), Folu and his dog, Ade our naughty little brother, Things fall apart, Bottled leopard; or you didn't indulge in mummy and daddy, Idi ore mi lemi o fisi, X and O, mother may i, rolling of tyres, police and thief, Tinko tinko,  ten ten, suwe, Who stole the meat from the cooking pot,  All those are born in January, Oba ni ada owo jo, hide and seek (boju boju); or didn't listen TV commercials like eeeh Joy girl, or didn't wear Cortina, Shaba skirt or listen to Patra,  dance butterfly and flex or afro juju by Sina, then your childhood was totally LAME! Forget say you be 'AJEBO'. You no enjoy reach us wey do am. Take us back memory lane by adding urs and pass it on. Only PAKO o”

I laughed sooo hard. I mean, I used to soooo love Tales by moonlight. Even “ten ten” was so much fun and if u were a pro, you will 'yose' lol. I remember we used to sit in front of the tv set (President brand) I’m sure most of us had that) and wait from 3:30pm till 4 when cartoons will start. I also remember when the TV started misbehaving, we just hit it on the head and it behaved. Lol. Kids of now, na so so serious cartoon like Ben 10 dem dey watch. In fact, my 2year old niece has a Ben 10 wrist watch she wears all the time even to sleep. And when you ask what that is, she’s quick to tell you with young pride that “it’s my Ben 10 wrist watch”

We sure had fun growing up.