I am re-blogging
this from Oroque's, the one and only cute twin i have on Blogsville. I had
another gist post scheduled but this had to come first. The hilariously serious
yet very apt way he wrote this just got me and i'm pretty sure we all have
people like this around. This applies in every sphere of life and not just the
office. Enjoy.
Hello 'guy that pisses on the toilet seat', i have decided
that i am sick of your slovenly ways. after four years in this office, i have
finally had it with the amount of gruesome lack of etiquette that you
exude on a daily basis and your gross disregard for the comfort of other people
who have to share common facilities in the office with you. I know you read my
blog cos you've actually told me a couple of times, so here is hoping you see
this. It's the least embarrassing way to say this to you without resorting to
fisticuffs. There are a few things that you must change if you intend to get
any respect from other colleagues as you are now famous for being a dirty,
semi-literate duffus who breaks up group conversations by your mere
presence:
1. The toilet seat
can and should indeed be lifted if you want to pee: this advice is given
first because it is what you are solely remembered by. Every time people cannot
quickly recall your name, they say "the guy that pees on the toilet
seat". so here is the deal, there are urinals and there are toilets. I
would hate to gross other readers by specifying the difference and i'm hoping
that by the sounds you can tell which is to be used for what. if for any reason
you cannot use the urinals, please please please lift up the first movable seat
on the toilet. I cannot count how many times we have had to use tissue to clean
the seat of your droplets before we can go. no hand wash can erase the feeling
afterwards...
2. Mouthwash has been
invented: I'm not trying to out you or anything and you're not the only one
with this small problem. in fact, it's a natural thing for many Nigerians
considering our very healthy diet choices and not-so-top-notch oral
hygiene...but what many of us do when we have been working for many hours at a
stretch and have to go for a meeting or liaise with a colleague, is a quick
dash to the gents, a quick gargle with mouthwash or a quick spray of breath freshener.
I know that for guys it's hard to admit that you have this small issue and we
would prefer to chuck it down to the 'who has time for that' sphere, but it can
sometimes make things happen for you, or not.
3. There is such a
thing as earphones: This is 2012 and we all have to share this open plan
office. I know you're on your way to heaven with Kenny Rogers but please can
you let me get some work done while you're on your journey? Yes, this world is
not your home, but you still need to earn your monthly salary, and so do i. I
kinda feel bad having to tell you to reduce the volume on the music player
underneath your desk especially when you're playing "what a friend we have in Jesus" by Dolly Parton, cos i don't
wanna seem like the enemy so please do us both a favour.
4. 'Ladies first' also applies to buffet finger foods during office meetings: I know you're going to pretend like this topic doesn't make sense to you. Oh, but it does. Remember the last office meeting we had in the board room, where they had laid out sandwiches, kebabs, and other such finger foods a.k.a small chops and how you were the first to rush to the table as soon as they declared it was coffee break? Not only did you not notice that most of the men sat until the ladies had queued up to help themselves, but you also insisted on having two pieces of almost everything on display. As if the general glares that followed you away from the table did not suffice, you had to go back again to queue after wolfing down the first batch until a lady mentioned that "this is not to substitute for your lunch o"...and this is when you clearly took offence. Like really? Well since we haven't had a moment to catch up since that unfortunate incident, this is to inform you that yes, ladies first also applies to the buffet table. For the future, this is the etiquette: you queue from left to right, you do not linger too long trying to make up your mind, you do not bend down to smell the food, and you take one piece of everything until everyone has had a chance to at least go one round. By applying this rule, i find that i never get any food whenever we have buffet finger foods but i hope that will change when you and your ilk begin to observe this.
4. 'Ladies first' also applies to buffet finger foods during office meetings: I know you're going to pretend like this topic doesn't make sense to you. Oh, but it does. Remember the last office meeting we had in the board room, where they had laid out sandwiches, kebabs, and other such finger foods a.k.a small chops and how you were the first to rush to the table as soon as they declared it was coffee break? Not only did you not notice that most of the men sat until the ladies had queued up to help themselves, but you also insisted on having two pieces of almost everything on display. As if the general glares that followed you away from the table did not suffice, you had to go back again to queue after wolfing down the first batch until a lady mentioned that "this is not to substitute for your lunch o"...and this is when you clearly took offence. Like really? Well since we haven't had a moment to catch up since that unfortunate incident, this is to inform you that yes, ladies first also applies to the buffet table. For the future, this is the etiquette: you queue from left to right, you do not linger too long trying to make up your mind, you do not bend down to smell the food, and you take one piece of everything until everyone has had a chance to at least go one round. By applying this rule, i find that i never get any food whenever we have buffet finger foods but i hope that will change when you and your ilk begin to observe this.
5. Step away from a
group when you have to take a call: This is clear, so no need to dwell on
it. You're very loud when you're on the phone, and you laugh like a dying dog
so can you please move away from generally shared areas (like your workstation
maybe?) When you have to talk on the phone. Plus, it wasn't cool to hear you
scolding your wife like that the other day, in English no less...left everyone
feeling awkward, and trust me we will look at your wife like a hapless refugee
whenever we eventually get to meet her. Before i forget, the speakerphone
function is not for private conversations. You should not put your children on
speakerphone when they are on holiday with all the screaming in the background,
or your wife when she is in the market and that applies to your mechanic,
mother and anyone who is not discussing work related matters with you in a
quiet environment.
6. Horseplay is
punishable in many work spaces: Okay, i may have to explain this one. Horse
play means any shoving, pushing, jumping on lockers, play punching, or other
disruptive physical contact with another person. So, here's how it works.
except you're close friends with a colleague, don't get into their personal
space. Don't hold women by the waist, don't put men in a play choke
hold from behind, don't punch people or tap the back of their heads, don't
grab peoples legs as they climb the stairs in front of you and definitely don't
pat their backs when they're having lunch. I know this is not exhaustive but that
hope you get the picture. Treat people like absolute strangers until they
invite you to touch them. I would have referred you to an article on 'personal
buffer zones' but that would stretching it.
7. Treat your boss
with respect: I know you've been having it rough with your boss for the
past four years. I notice how irritated he is whenever he has to speak to you
and how short tempered he appears to only you. You've even asked me once how i
get him to be so friendly with me. Here's the trick. I never call my boss from across
the room. Yes, we use the American system of calling everyone by their first
names, but screaming their name down a corridor after they have turned a corner
is not very smart. Secondly, i sometimes allow your boss to be right. Yes, i
know it doesn't make sense to just nod, take fake notes and say okay when i
clearly have already included his points in the letter he is asking me to go
and re-write, but sometimes it helps manage the perception that you are unduly
argumentative and always wanting to prove a point. Finally, i don't sneak out
after work especially knowing your boss only gets around to doing the mail
rounds by 5pm. it's a sign of maturity to adjust your closing time to suit
business needs and not run off without saying goodnight only to avoid working
late.
I do hope you will take heed to these urgings, and that
someday you will thank me for saving your social life and maybe even your
career. If not, oh well, you cannot be worse off than you already are anyway. See
you around, and i hope my days of wiping the toilet seat after you are over.
Your colleague (friend would be stretching it a tad), RQ
Your colleague (friend would be stretching it a tad), RQ
You can
read more of his views here.
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| http://nigerianblogawards.com/ |
P.S: 2012
Awards nomination time. This is the first time i'm doing this so biko, head on
over HERE and nominate me for Best Personal Blog and Best Humour Blog (shebi
most of una say i dey make una laff ba? Time to nominate me biko.
Thanks for
always coming by.
Kisses
